


won't you save me, san francisco?

by jennycaakes



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Adventure, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Drug Use, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Moving, Smoking, Strangers to Lovers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-19
Updated: 2018-03-22
Packaged: 2019-04-04 12:22:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 33,698
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14020146
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jennycaakes/pseuds/jennycaakes
Summary: Falling in love with the Bay Area is more complicated than Monty thought it was going to be.(or: Monty's one night stand ends up showing him around the city, and they are definitely more than friends.)





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> an open love letter to the bay area. thank you for your magic. 
> 
> started writing this when i first moved. haven't been to all of the places i've talked about, but i can promise you that these cities are some of the most beautiful. hope you like it!

Monty wakes up with the sun beating in on him through a nearby window, which is confusing, seeing as Monty and Jasper purposefully chose the rooms where a sunrise wouldn’t disturb them. He remembers then that the sunlight is there, probably, because he’s not in his room. He shifts a bit, trying to collect his thoughts, finding himself overwhelmingly thirsty and also overwhelmingly comfortable.

The man in bed with him shifts, too.

 _Oh shit_.

Monty’s not one for hookups. He’s not big on the whole “having sex and then running out before the sun is up” trend that his generation rolls with. He likes sex a fine amount, he just can’t do it with randoms. He actually enjoys feelings and he likes when things mean things and he can’t just sleep around. More power to people who can. He’s just not one of them.

Until last night, apparently.

He and Clarke and Raven and Jasper went out to one of the various gay bars in the Castro in San Francisco, Jasper being the only one who really felt out of place there but happy to accomodate for his friends, and they all got plastered. They’d just moved to Oakland from Chicago and it was their first weekend since the start of work and they wanted to have fun. So to the bars they went.

It would’ve been safer to stay in Oakland, what with no one really understanding the bus system or the bart train, but they were young and they didn’t care about any of that. They just wanted to have fun and a Lyft would probably save them if they really needed it.

Monty was pretty tipsy by the time he met Nate.

It was a bit of an accident, Monty tripping over his own two feet while carrying his and Clarke’s drink, causing it to spill all over the guy at the counter beside him. “I’m so sorry,” Monty gushed, hurrying to set down the half-empty drinks as quickly as he could.

“Hey, don’t worry about it,” the guy said back. “Really.” Monty looked up at him, ready to apologize another time, when his words all caught in his throat when he met the guy’s gaze. “I’m Nate,” he said with a smile that made Monty’s whole body flush. “Can I get you another?”

Monty’s mouth felt dry. “I spilled drinks all over you and you want to buy me another one?”

Nate shrugged. “Yeah.”

“Okay.” He smiled. “I’m Monty.”

Clarke came by eventually to get the remnants of her drink, but waggled her eyebrows when she saw Monty mingling. Across the bar, Jasper and Raven were dancing and not really paying them any mind.

While Monty sipped his drink, he and Nate talked. _What brings you to the Castro? You’re new to the area? How’re you liking it?_ Once they’d finished they’d kind of parted ways, but the rest of the night had them running into each other. On the dance floor. Back by the bar. Near the bathrooms waiting for their turn in the longest line in the world. When it got closer to midnight, he found himself by Nate again.

“What’re you doing after?” Monty asked.

“Going home and going to bed,” Nate told him.

“Wow, that’s really thrilling,” Monty said. He was more drunk now but Nate was cute and kept smiling at him and being in this new city, it made him feel brave. “You sound like a lot of fun.”

Nate smirked. “There’s this book I want to finish.”

“Sounds fun.”

“It is,” Nate said. They looked at one another for a moment before Nate stepped toward him. “Or you could come to my place,” Nate said, dropping his voice a bit. “If you wanted.”

“Yeah, that sounds like more fun than reading,” Monty agreed with a grin.

His brain was a little cloudy but Nate had been nice and gentlemanly and again--he felt brave. Nate cupped Monty’s cheek and leaned in carefully and kissed him like he wasn’t nervous to do it. By the time they called their Lyft, Monty’s entire body was humming with want, and it was hard enough to pry themselves apart to pull up the app.

“It’s Nate,” he murmured after they ordered their ride, the words warm against Monty’s mouth. “In case you forgot.”

Monty pressed himself on his toes and kissed him again. “I didn’t.” Nate leaned into the kiss with a grin before Monty realized maybe Nate only said that because he forgot Monty’s name. So he pulled back. “Monty,” he reminded him softly.

Nate grinned again. “I know.”

Between the making out and the actually getting back to Nate’s, Monty couldn’t remember much. It was a new city and a new system of streets that Monty couldn’t be bothered to pay attention to when Nate was sucking hard against Monty’s neck. He’d cleared it with his friends before he legitimately disappeared and then he was in Nate’s apartment, pinned against the door, happily kissing a stranger.

“I don’t normally do this,” Monty managed as he fumbled with the button on his jeans.

Nate exhaled a laugh. “Me neither.”

But it clearly didn’t matter, because then Nate tugged him into his bedroom murmuring something about his roommate and shut the door. They shed their pants and climbed into bed and when Nate rocked his hips against Monty’s there was definitely no going back. _New city new me_ , Monty remembered thinking as he fell asleep against Nate’s side, which was absurd seeing as there was only like a 7% chance he’d actually hook up with a stranger again after this.

Now awake, Monty considers his best plan of action. He can’t _stay_ here, no matter how comfortable he is or how decent Nate seems to be.

“As long as you’re ready to be cheesy tourists in the morning,” Clarke had said when Monty told her he was sneaking off. They’d been planning it for days, to be stereotypical tourists their first weekend so they could get it out of the way. So Monty couldn’t stay here in this bed. He has things to do.

As carefully as he can, he sneaks out of Nate’s bed and gets dressed in silence. He casts back a longing glance toward the man he spent his night with before taking a deep breath and heading out the door. It’s probably not fair to him, but Monty’s a little distracted and hungover and can’t think of what else to do. Wake him up and say thanks for the sex before leaving? That feels worse, somehow. Maybe leave his number on a sticky note?

In the end, he just flees.

The apartment is nicer than Monty remembers from the night before and there’s a small hallway with another door that reminds Monty of Nate’s roommate comment from the night before, which is just another reason to get the hell out before he’s spotted. He slips on his shoes with only a second to admire the living room, impressively clean, before he’s actually out the door. Monty pulls out his phone to check the bus routes nearby, wondering which one will take him back to Oakland, before he checks the messages from his friends.

 **Raven  
** he’s hot good work

 **Clarke  
** IS YOUR LOCATION TURNED ON JUST IN CASE

 **Jasper  
** ya clarke his loco is on i am watching and persistent

 **Clarke  
** OKAY GOOD

 **Raven  
** how is MONTY the only one of us that is getting laid tonight

 **Jasper  
** hey i couldve gotten laid

 **Clarke  
** Nice try bud but no

 **Raven  
** unless you’re into dudes now??? we spent all night at various gay bars jasp

 **Jasper  
** o yea

 **Clarke**  
Straight girls go to gay bars all the time now it’s like, trendy  
So it could’ve happened I guess ****  
but yeah I agree with Raven good work Monty

 **Raven  
** let us know when you’re alive???? Thx

Monty laughs, browsing through the rest of the messages, before he taps out a response while the bus approaches.

 **Monty  
** alive, omw back now!!

The problem is that when Monty pats his back pocket, his wallet is not there. Thus, he does not have his Clipper card to get on the bus. Or any cash.

 **Monty  
** JUST KIDDING I LOST MY WALLET

He makes a face at the bus driver who simply shakes her head, clearly not having time for whatever bullshit excuse Monty was going to give, and Monty gives himself six seconds to absolutely panic. He could’ve left it at the bar, right? He didn’t pay for the Lyft back, but maybe it fell out in the car. And--

 **Clarke  
** Did you leave it at your boy’s place?

 _Shit, shit, shit_. So much for sneaking out without saying goodbye.

Monty swallows his groan and turns on his heel, thankful that Nate’s apartment isn’t too far from the bus stop, and hurries back to the place he left so quickly. Unfortunately the door locks from the outside, so Monty has to press a buzzer to get permission to get back in. Which means Nate knows he’s on his way back.

There’s a buzz and a click before Monty can even get out his name and reason for returning to the building, and then he’s in the elevator on his way back up. Stupid. He checked for his phone, he should’ve checked for his wallet too. What a dumbass. Total idiot. The dumbest of all dumbs.

Monty knocks once before the door is pulled open and then Nate’s there, looking smug. He’s shirtless, his sweatpants resting low on his hips, and Monty’s still amazed he managed to snag such a hot guy on his first night out in the city. He leans against the doorframe and slowly pulls Monty’s wallet into view.

“I expect you’ll need this,” Nate says.

Monty ducks his head, fighting a smile. “Yeah, I expect so.” He takes it from Nate’s hand, their fingers brushing, before he looks back up at the man. “I didn’t mean to, ah…”

“Run out without a goodbye?” Nate offers. “And I was planning on making you breakfast.”

A laugh crawls out of Monty and he looks up, finding Nate smiling as well. “I just moved here,” Monty reminds him, and Nate nods. They spoke about it briefly the night before. “My roommates wanted to get on one of those Big Bus tours and go throughout the city. Be those lame tourists for a weekend.”

Nate shakes his head. “Why pay?” he asks. “I can give you a tour.”

Monty’s lips part. “What?”

“They’re expensive as hell. A ticket for one of those is what, fifty bucks? I’ll give you a tour from a local. Cheaper. More fun. Insider benefits.” Nate tips his head to the side, his smile growing again. “Free breakfast.”

* * *

It’s a shame when Nate grabs a t-shirt from his bedroom and pulls it on, but when he starts cooking eggs and bacon Monty can’t really mind. It smells heavenly and Monty’s seriously into the domesticity of it. He calls his friends and they say they’re on their way, that it’s cheaper for them to come in from Oakland anyway instead of waiting for Monty to come back so they can all leave together. He gives them Nate’s address and then they wait.

“Have you lived in the city for long?” Monty asks as Nate prepares the food. Nate’s already made coffee and it’s literally amazing. Best coffee Monty’s had since he’s arrived. “Your place is nice.”

Nate laughs. “Yeah, thanks. Me and my roommate have lived here for a while now.”

“How do you afford a place like this? Rent in San Fran’s super high.”

“Thanks, Oakland,” Nate jokes, causing Monty to laugh too. “I know. I’ve got a decent job, though. It’s not a problem.” Nate shrugs, flipping some bacon. “How’s your rent in Oakland?”

“It’s not nearly as high, I’m sure,” Monty says, readjusting his grip on his mug. “And there are four of us, so it’s not bad.”

“And for work?” Nate asks. “You’re a techie, aren’t you?”

“Is it because I’m Asian?” Monty teases.

Nate turns to him, his smile in his eyes. “You were talking about some start-up last night,” Nate reminds him. “That’s all.” Monty laughs, and, wow, this is the weirdest Morning After that Monty’s ever had. Not that he’s had many, but he’s sure that most probably aren’t like this. “What about your friends?”

“Raven’s at the start-up with me,” Monty says. “Different department though. Jasper and Clarke are with different non-profits in the city.”

“You all commute into the city every day?”

“We take the bart,” Monty says with a nod.

Nate’s face flashes with a smile, but Monty’s not sure why. Instead of elaborating, Nate asks, “Damn. What’s that like?”

“Maybe an hour both ways. Less if we’re earlier. But it gets crowded.” Monty shrugs. “I mostly just turn on a podcast. Are you a podcast person? I feel like everyone out here is.”

“Me and my roommate’s commute’s maybe ten minutes, but I try,” Nate says. “I fail, but I try.”

There’s the sound of a door opening. “Try what?” a voice asks. Monty tenses. Nate literally just mentioned a roommate and still, he was not prepared for someone to arrive. “You talking to yourself again?” The most handsome man in the world emerges from the back hallway. He’s a little taller than Nate with a mop of dark, curly hair and more freckles than there are stars in the sky. Monty’s mouth goes a little dry. He grins when he spots Monty, pausing before he reaches the kitchen. “Well hello,” he says.

“Hi,” Monty rasps.

“Bellamy,” Nate says, shuffling the bacon around, “this is Monty. Monty. Bellamy.”

“I’m the roommate,” Bellamy says, still grinning, stepping forward with his arm outstretched to shake his hand.

“I’m the guy from the bar,” Monty returns.

Bellamy laughs. “Yeah, I figured. Miller’s not really great at one-night-stands, is he?” he asks, shaking Monty’s hand. Nate glares at him.

“Miller?” Monty asks. “And I mean I have uh, no complaints.”

Bellamy laughs as he lowers himself to the open seat at the table beside Monty. “Aw,” Bellamy turns to Nate. “You told him your real name?”

“You can go back to bed whenever,” Nate mutters.

“Miller’s bad at people-ing, too,” Bellamy tells him. “Miller’s his last name. Most people call him that. But we’re going with Nate? Wonderful.”

“Nate Miller,” Monty notes.

“Harper didn’t tell me you met someone,” Bellamy notes.

“Harper was a little preoccupied,” Nate counters. He looks to Monty briefly. “I think we both made out okay.” The bacon sizzles again. “So you work at a startup,” Nate says, changing the subject back to Monty. “Which one?”

“I doubt you’ll know it, but it’s called Skaikru? We help with--”

“Flights and lodging,” Bellamy cuts him off. Nate turns, narrowing his eyes again. “Trip planning and all of that. Right?”

Monty’s lips part a little. “Uh, yeah, actually. How’d you know that?”

“How’s your deal with Twitter going?” Bellamy asks in response. “Last I heard it was a green light.”

“We got that deal,” Monty says with a nod. “But--what? How--”

Bellamy shrugs. “We work for Twitter.”

“ _Bellamy_ ,” Nate mutters.

“ _You do not work for Twitter_.”

Bellamy laughs. “You didn’t tell him?”

“Because I’m not a prick,” Nate tosses back.

“You do _not_ work for _Twitter_!” Monty says again.

“The city is full of techies,” Nate murmurs, “and people who hate techies because techies are ruining the market. So it’s a weird balance.” Nate shuffled at the stovetop to flip a pancake. “We know that techies have a lot to do with the housing crisis,” Nate says, not looking at either of them. “There’re a lot of homeless people here, people in shelters. Affordable housing is hard to find because all these people, like us, can afford the high rent. So everyone else’s rent shoots up to compete and it pushes out families who’ve been here forever and can’t afford the increase. A lot of people in the tech industry don’t care about that shit. I just…” he sighs, and the pan sizzles. “I know I’m part of that system, I guess. Feels like a weird thing to brag about.”

“It’s true,” Bellamy says. “We do what we can to get our people involved but--yeah.”

“Totally,” Monty agrees. “My roommate’s non-profit actually helps low-income families with housing.”

“That’s super important.” Bellamy sinks into the seat across Monty at the table. “So you’re just hanging out then? Cool.”

“Nate’s taking me and my roommates on a tour of the city,” Monty says.

Bellamy laughs. “Sorry. Is he?”

“And you’re coming, asshole,” Nate calls over his shoulder.

“You can’t take a tour of the city in one day,” Bellamy says. “It’s impossible. There’s too much to see.”

“They were going to take a Big Bus tour,” Nate says.

“Dude.”

“We’re new,” Monty says with a huff. “We just wanted--” he gets cut off at the sound of a buzzing. “That might be them,” Monty says.

Bellamy gets up to buzz everyone in, and Nate transfers the plate of pancakes to the table before taking the seat beside Monty. “I hope they’re hungry.”

While this could easily be the most awkward situation to ever exist in the entire world, everyone leans into it. Which helps.

There’s only slight teasing about Monty staying after what was meant to be a one night stand, and people are talking over one another all the time. They exchange names and standard info and there’s a lot of laughter and a lot of syrup all over the place that Monty insists he can help clean up before they leave.

“Quit it,” Nate laughs as Monty starts wiping down counters. Nate wedges himself between Monty and the counter to prevent him from working. All of his roommates have moved out to the living room, laughing with Bellamy as they get ready to go, but Monty’s caught in this moment, caught in Nate’s eyes. He’s got some great eyelashes. Really great eyelashes. “Really, Monty,” he says softly. “It’s okay.”

“You should let me help.”

They’re closer now, Nate leaning in as an excuse to keep him from the counter. Monty licks his lips and Nate’s eyes dart to watch the motion. “Next time,” he says.

Because there’s going to be a next time.

* * *

It’s fun to meet new people.

Bellamy calls up his sister Octavia and her boyfriend Lincoln, Nate texts his friends Harper (who was apparently with him at the bar last night) and Murphy, and they all agree to come out for the tour as well. The four of them, Raven and Monty and Jasper and Clarke, have been kind of operating on their own since they arrived. They haven’t had time to go to meetings or find local bars or anything like that, so this new collision of people is great, even if it is a little weird in theory.

They’re taking a bus to the park to see the Golden Gate Bridge and, even though it’s bumpy and takes a long time, Monty’s having fun. Octavia seems to be a bit of a mess but her boyfriend seems to be calm. Harper is friendly enough that Monty can hold an easy conversation with her and learns she went home with someone last night too. Murphy’s kind of scowly, but that’s okay too.

Their groups mesh a little too seamlessly. Clarke and Bellamy hit it off right away, Jasper and Murphy are talking about how crazy Florida is, and Raven and Harper are laughing about something on their phones. It’s nice.

“This is definitely what you signed up for,” Nate teases from his seat beside Monty. “Isn’t it?”

“Good sex and then a new group of friends? Uh, yeah, that sounds great actually.”

Nate laughs, but they don’t linger on the subject. The free Presidio bus they’re on takes them right into the park, and then they have to transfer to another bus to get closer to the bridge. Soon enough, though, all of them are on a trail, walking in a group together.

The conversation is light for a bit, but soon Monty finds himself off with just Nate again, a few steps behind the rest of their friends.

“So…” Monty trails off, and Nate arches an eyebrow in response. “What’d Bellamy mean earlier?” Monty asks. “When he said you weren’t good at one-night-stands.”

Nate turns a few shades pinker and it’s all kinds of adorable. “Uh…” he trailed off, scratching the back at his neck. “I mean--I said it last night. I’m not really a hook-up kind of guy.” He lets out a soft laugh, more nervous than anything. “I was kind of drunk last night,” he says. “Not really thinking about short term and long term. And I liked you, so.”

Monty finds himself chewing at the inside of his cheek. “Do you regret it?”

“Oh--God, no. Definitely not.” He nudges Monty with his elbow. “Last night was great.”

Yeah. It was. “But…?”

“No but. It’s just not a thing I normally do.” Monty nods, not sure what he means. They continue on their walk in silence. “What, uh,” Nate clears his throat. “What prompted your move out here?” he asks.

“Oh!” Monty can happily talk about that. “Well, we all graduated,” Monty says. “We wanted to stay together somehow. I mean--these people are my best friends. And we wanted to live in a city. It had to work for both me and Raven as the tech humans that we are, and Jasper and Clarke who aren’t really tech humans. We wanted a place where no one had an advantage.”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean if we’d moved to Boston, Clarke would have all of her childhood friends, because she’s from Boston. And if we moved to Miami, Jasper would have all of his people too. You know?”

“So none of you have people in the bay,” Nate says, understanding, and Monty nods. “Where’re you from?” he asks.

“Baltimore. Or, well. West of Baltimore. But we talk in counties in Maryland and no one knows where Frederick county is when you’re in California.” Nate laughs a little, shaking his head fondly, and Monty realizes what Nate might’ve been talking about earlier because for a moment - he feels it too. “So you liked me?” Monty asks.

Nate’s eyes find his at once. “Sorry?”

It feels so childish to say it, to call it a crush. “You said you liked me. When we met at the bar. But I mean--and you also aren’t into hook-up culture, and…” he trails off again. “You wanted to make me breakfast,” he settles with.

Nate smiles slowly, ducking his head again. “Yeah,” he agrees. “I wanted to make you breakfast.”

That says all Monty needs to know.

“I--Nate,” he slows down, turning to this kind and wonderful man, and tries to get his mouth to cooperate with his brain. “I think you’re great,” he says. What he’s seen, anyway. Nate’s kind and doesn’t get angry when random people spill their drinks on him in bars and actually seems to retain knowledge about the things that Monty’s talked about. Also he gives great blowjobs. “But I just got here,” Monty blurts. Nate’s smile starts to slip away. “Like--literally a week ago. I’m just--I don’t…” _fuck_. This is so frustrating, to have a man who seems so great, standing in front of him telling Monty he likes him, only to not be in the right place for it mentally. “I don’t do the whole meaningless sex thing either. But I just _got_ here and I’m not looking for--”

“No, no,” Nate cuts him off, nodding in understanding. “God, of course not. No, it’s fine Monty.”

“I need more friends,” he settles with.

“We can be friends,” Nate says gently. It feels like the world exhales. “We can be friends,” he says again, a touch softer. “I’d like that. Really.”

“And you can show me all around the bay,” Monty says. “And teach me how to talk like a local.”

“Well stop calling it San Fran and we’re nearly there,” Nate returns.

“And maybe one day,” Monty says, smiling now, “when I’m more settled--”

“It’s okay,” Nate says again, but he’s smiling too. “No rush.”

Monty rejoins his friends who are closer toward the front, and with every step they take toward the Golden Gate Bridge Monty feels his excitement rising. He grew up in a small town and it was a miracle in itself when his parents let him go to Chicago for school. He hasn’t traveled a lot, never this far West, and something iconic like the Golden Gate Bridge has him full of an energy that he can’t put words to.

It turned out it isn’t the bridge he’s most excited about -- it’s the ocean.

He’s sure there’s a string of cuss words that leave his mouth but the wind is loud and whipping, and the sky is bright and clear, and the Pacific Ocean stretches on for forever. There are mountains towering in the distance and there’s laughter of other tourists nearby and Monty feels like he finally understands his place in the universe. They’ve crested a hill, climbed the remnants of the military base there, toward the edge of a cliff, and all of this feels wildly impossible to exist on this planet.

“I can’t believe it!” he shouts.

Jasper wraps his arm around Monty’s waist and Clarke rests her head against his shoulder. There are people down walking the length of the beach, and nearby a dog barks, and _he can’t believe it_. He thinks about the people who were raised here, who’ve gotten to see this view since they were young. He thinks about the centuries that passed where the mountains grew taller and taller. Monty thinks about the joy that comes from standing here, small, among people who love him.

He feels like his smile is a permanent fixture on his face.

This moment has made it all worth it.

* * *

**Nate  
** Was today okay?

 **Monty**  
a tour from a local? the pacific ocean?? learning how to better use my clipper card??  
today was great nate thank you

 **Nate**  
If it was weird we don’t have to do it again.  
I know you’re still figuring stuff out.  
We don’t have to like, actually be friends if you don’t want to.

 **Monty  
** um are you trying to tell me that you hate me

 **Nate**  
Haha no!  
Of course not.

 **Monty  
** ok great because i really wanna go to twin peaks next

 **Nate  
** Full hike? Urban hike? Twin Peaks is one of my favorite places.

 **Monty  
** what’s an urban hike

 **Nate  
** It’s where you hike but instead of through the trails it’s through the city.

 **Monty**  
oooh yeah that sounds fun  
let’s do that

 **Nate  
** Next weekend?

 **Monty  
** sounds great!!

After finishing up his plan with Nate, Monty stretches back on his bed and dials home. It’s not super early for the east coast, nearly eleven actually which is way past most people’s bedtime, but Monty knows his father will be awake.

Sure enough, a few rings later, he answer. “Monty,” he greets, but he doesn’t sound very happy. “Hi. How are you?”

“I’m good,” Monty says. “I just--I wanted to call and say hi. Hear your voice.”

“Mm.”

A long stretch of silence follows. “I, uh,” Monty tries to get the conversation going. “I saw the Pacific ocean today,” he tells his dad. “It was--gosh, Dad it was so cool. The Golden Gate bridge was there, and there were these mountains in the distance, and it was--it made me feel really amazing, you know?”

“That’s great, Monty.”

“I have some pictures,” he says. “I thought I could send them to you and mom, and--” Monty stops talking when his father sighs, and the silence resumes. “Is she still upset with me?”

“You moved across the country after barely giving us a warning, Monty,” his father says softly, which isn’t true. He told them in May when he graduated, and he didn’t move until the middle of July. It’s nearly August now, that’s plenty of time. “She misses you.”

“She doesn’t miss me,” Monty shoots back. “She wants me to come home.”

“She’s your mother, of course she wants you to come home.”

Monty feels his eyes burning. “I have an opportunity out here,” he tells his dad. “To be who I really want to be, you know? Make a name for myself, find a partner who’s my equal. I can’t do that in our small town.”

He knows how his parents feel. His mother is acting like Monty thinks he’s too good for that town, and his father is disappointed he didn’t even try. But the truth of it is that Monty _is_ too good for that rinky-dink town he grew up in. He spent years being ridiculed for enjoying learning, bullied because he wanted to start up a GSA at his high school. How is he ever going to reach his potential if he doesn’t chase it? People used to step on him, and now he’s far away from all of that. Monty knows he could’ve handled moving away better, but his parents and that small town were suffocating him, and the West was calling out for him, and he’s ready to make the most of it.

“When will you be back?” his father asks. “Or are you planning on staying out there forever?”

“I don’t know,” Monty admits.

Their lease is for a year. He has one year to figure out if this is where he wants to put down roots.

“Well,” his father sighs. “Okay. Sure. Send the photos. I’ll forward them to your cousins.”

Monty blinks hard, surprised that his eyes are watering. “Thanks Dad,” he whispers. “I love you.”

“I love you too, Monty. Get some sleep.”

His father hangs up without a goodbye, and Monty fights off his tears as best he can.

Going through the photos from the day bring a smile back to his face. Monty tries to cling to that feeling. He’s felt lost for so long, like he’s been in transition for years. In high school, it was just waiting to go to college. In college, it was just waiting to graduate. Now he’s here, he’s done it, he’s moved to this new city and he’s no longer _waiting_ for something. This is his life now, and he hopes to bring the joy from this first weekend along for the ride with him.

* * *

Monty had a few internships when he was in school, but working a 9-5 is way more exhausting than he was prepared for. It doesn’t help that his 9-5 is basically an 8-6 what with the commute and all of that, but he’s trying to get used to it.

He downloads some podcasts that Bellamy recommended and starts taking advantage of his full hour long lunch (that he’s aware most people don’t get) so he can take walks around the block and he tries to fit in to this new life that he’s part of. When he gets home at night, Jasper normally has something on the stove, and it’s such a relief that at least one person in the house likes cooking and is actually _good_ at it.

“I’ve never gotten to cook for like, lots of people before,” Jasper says one night as all four of them settle down to eat. “It’s nice. I’m not worried about making too much.”

“You should make more,” Raven chimes. “So I can take in leftovers instead of spending ten dollars on lunch every day.”

“That’s an excellent idea!”

It’s Friday afternoon before Nate texts him again.

 **Nate  
** Still on for this weekend?

 **Monty**  
oh shit yes  
i ummm definitely forgot  
but yes!

 **Nate  
** Haha if you have to cancel don’t worry about it

 **Monty  
** no let’s urban hike it up!

 **Nate  
** Sounds great. I’ll meet you at the Muni stop in the Castro.

When Monty wakes up on Saturday morning, the only person who wants to go with him is Clarke. Jasper rolls over in bed enough to announce that he wants to keep staying in bed, and Raven has plans with an old friend who’s in the area, so it’s just the two of them for the day.

“Did you know we’re not supposed to call it _the_ bart?” Monty asks as they settle down on the train. Clarke, while always a fan of adventure, isn’t much of a morning person. They should stop for coffee somewhere. “Like, in DC people say they’re taking the metro to get somewhere. They say the the. But people here don’t say _the_ bart.”

“What.”

“They just say bart,” Monty carries on. “Like, let’s catch bart. Or, bart’s delayed today. No the.”

Clarke groans, sinking down in her seat a bit. The trains are a bit loud, screeching and screaming as they make their way through the tunnel into the city, so it’s not great for having conversation. Instead Monty browses Twitter while Clarke attempts to get a few more minutes of sleep.

Bart and muni aren’t hooked up to the same system, so they have to swipe out of bart before transferring to muni, but soon enough they make it to the Castro. Clarke brightens the second they exit the station. There are rainbow flags all over the place, queer couples holding hands on every corner, and Nate and Bellamy buying a box of cookies from some persistent Girl Scouts who’ve set up right by the station. Nate spots Monty and offers a smile, but he and Clarke are still caught up in the beauty of the district.

“I love San Francisco,” Clarke announces, and Monty grins.

The two of them cross until they make it to Nate and Bellamy, and Nate turns to them while Bellamy pays for their snacks. “You made it,” Nate greets. “I was starting to think you might’ve gotten lost.”

“We met in the Castro,” Monty reminds him, and Nate ducks his head to fight his smile.

“That’s right. I’d forgotten.”

Monty gestures toward the table of cookies. “What kind did you get?”

“Thin Mints are my weakness,” Nate tells him. “It’ll be nice to have when we get to the top of the peak.”

Bellamy joins them soon enough and together the four of them start their urban hike to Twin Peaks. As they make their way deeper into the Castro, the conversation shifts to sexuality, and Monty’s almost relieved that the conversation is so easy. Clarke spearheads it and Monty watches Bellamy and Nate’s reaction to the announcement of their bisexuality.

There’s no reaction.

“Me too,” Bellamy says. “Well--to be fair I’m more into the pan label these days, but labels in general feel unnecessary to me, and--well. Yeah, that’s great.”

“I feel like everyone I know is queer,” Clarke says.

“Isn’t it wonderful?” Monty agrees.

If Nate has any qualms about hooking up with a bisexual guy, he doesn’t show it. Which is great. Biphobia in the gay community can be a bit much sometimes.

Nate checks in with him before they really dig into their ascent. “It’s a lot of uphill,” he tells them. “Maybe worse than a regular hike. But it’ll be worth it. Swear it.”

Monty readjusts the small backpack he brought with him. “Maybe I should’ve worn better shoes.”

Nate laughs. “Maybe.”

He asks how Monty’s week was, how he’s been settling in, and it’s nice to have someone outside of the four walls of his home see how he’s doing. He’s got friends from school that check in every now and then too, but it’s not the same. Monty’s parents don’t call or text, ever, unless Monty starts it, so it doesn’t feel like they care. Nate, at least, seems interested.

But soon they start really having to hike. Up steep driveways, up various flights of stairs. It’s easier to focus on breathing than it is to focus on a conversation. Nate and Bellamy keep talking and before Monty knows it, he realizes that they’re not sweating at all.

“We’re so not in shape,” Monty gasps out to Clarke at the top of a very intense incline.

Her face is blotchy and red and she frowns at him. “You didn’t tell me this would be so intensive.”

Bellamy masks his laugh as a cough.

But, Nate’s right, because it’s worth it in the end. After a dozen more staircases they make it to Twin Peaks, two large mounds of earth that aren’t quite mountains with wooden steps built into the foundation. They climb the first, breathless and tired, and again, Monty finds himself at a loss for words.

This place is just so fucking beautiful.

He and Clarke settle down on the ground without any intent to move any time soon, and Nate and Bellamy settle beside them. The four of them stretch their legs and drink tons of water and when Bellamy pulls out a vape to pass around, they all take a few hits.

“This might be my favorite spot in the city,” Nate tells Monty after passing the vape back, and Monty nods in agreement. The ocean made him feel powerful and unstoppable, but Twin Peaks makes him feel infinite. They’re different kinds of magic. “What’s the coolest place you’ve been?” Nate asks.

Monty scoffs. “Here.” He passes the vape to Clarke, in the middle of her own conversation with Bellamy. “Remember when I said we moved out here because we wanted a city?” Monty asks, and Nate nods. “I don’t know. It’s more than that.” Nate doesn’t push, but the exhaustion from the urban hike and the smoking has him feeling a little hazy. “I’m from this small town,” Monty tells him. “And my parents were maybe a bit overprotective. I was pretty sheltered as a kid but also kind of unpopular. And I knew that if I went home, if I _stayed_ home, I was going to get stuck there.” He lets out a little laugh, shaking his head. “They’re so mad at me that I came out here.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. The farthest we’d gone was like… New York. Because we had some family there. They just--traveling and seeing things was never important to them. And then I went to school in Chicago and--have you been to Chicago?”

“A couple of times, yeah.”

“Yeah, well I fell in love with that city. It’s a bit of a mess sometimes, like all cities I’d imagine, but it’s so _beautiful_. And I knew that I belonged somewhere bigger, somewhere meant for something more. But I was in school, you know? So I never got to go anywhere. And now I’m here.”

Monty gestures widely to the cityscape beneath them. In the distance, across the bay, they can see downtown Oakland. To the left, San Francisco’s tallest buildings stretch into the clouds. Further is the Golden Gate. From where they’ve planted themselves the city beneath them looks erratic and perfect all at once. From their urban hike, they were able to start in the city and watch it shrink. Every flight of stairs had them higher, further from the cohesiveness of a city. Now they’re at an arm’s length, and San Francisco is just as beautiful at a distance.

“Does it make you feel smaller?” Nate asks.

Monty laughs before he can help it. “God, no. I feel…like I finally understand everything.”

Nate smiles at him, shaking his head just a bit. “I like that,” he says.

The conversation shifts and Monty and Nate talk about Nate’s experience here. He’s not a local, but he is from California. He moved up from San Diego a while ago and has completely fallen in love with the place. Even though he’s not _from_ the bay, Nate’s never felt strange calling the area his home.

“And your family?” Monty asks, feeling hesitant.

“It’s just me and my dad,” Nate tells him. “My mom passed away when I was younger. But he supports it. Me being out here. He just wants me to be happy.”

“That’s nice,” Monty says, and he knows that the bubble of blue that’s puffed up inside of him isn’t Nate’s fault. “As long as you’re home for Thanksgiving, yeah?”

Nate laughs. “Yeah.”

After giving Monty and Clarke a chance to recover, the four of them move to the other peak, and while the view is mostly the same it’s still impossibly breathtaking. They smoke some more, eating the entire box of Thin Mints, before deciding to head back to the Castro for a real lunch.

The best part about all of this, hanging out with Bellamy and Nate, is that it feels just like that. Like they’re hanging out. The conversations are easy and the laughter is warm and no matter how unconventional it was in the beginning, Monty knows that he has these people as friends.

All of them exchange numbers and Snapchats and they walk around a bit before saying their goodbyes. The commute home is long, but by the time they’re settled on bart, Clarke against Monty’s side, Monty’s happy.

“I like them,” Clarke says.

“Me too,” Monty returns.

* * *

**Monty  
** so maybe this is creepy but i did some google map stalking and i realized that twitter hq isn’t super far from where i work! want to meet up for lunch sometime this week?

 **Nate  
** Hey yeah, that sounds great. How far are you?

 **Monty  
** couple of blocks i think. fifteen minute walk?

 **Nate  
** There’s this boujee eatery right nearby. Lots of options. Kind of like a dorm cafeteria but more expensive and better food. I’ll send you the address?

 **Monty  
** yes!

Monty wants SF to feel more like his city.

Just because he’s seen that famous red bridge and climbed high enough to gaze down on the entirety of the bay, he isn’t sure that he can call this place home yet. To be fair, he doesn’t live in San Francisco, and maybe he should be working on making Oakland feel more like his city, but he works in SF and there’s a special sort of connection and magic there that he wants to feel like he has some say over.

More than anything, he wants to feel like his shoes fit on his feet and are walking him along the right path.

It’s been a month since Monty first met Nate and he’s incredibly happy that they’ve become friends. They don’t talk everyday but they don’t need to. They saw two great things and then they eased back into a softer friendship, one where Monty feels okay to hang out with Bellamy on his own (they’ve gone to a couple of great bookstores) or Harper (who has a personal list of all of her favorite breweries). His friends will do the same, hanging out with some of the other group, and in general it feels pretty seamless.

When Monty shows up to the place Nate suggested, he spots Nate due to the bright blue sweatshirt that he’s wearing with Twitter’s logo.

“Oh, that’s a lot,” Monty says, pointing.

Nate grins. “Uniform.”

“Yeah right.”

Monty ends up getting some tacos from the shortest line in the place, and Nate makes himself a salad at the salad bar, and the two of them find seating outside. The place is literally next door to Twitter HQ, and Monty finds himself staring up at the big building.

“Do you like it?” he asks. “Working for Twitter.”

Nate munches on his meal. “No complaints,” he says. “I’m involved in the outreach,” he tells Monty. “Not so much on the… like, engineering side.”

“Ah, I see.”

Nate stabs his salad. “It’s nice. It’s not what I wanted to do, but I’m enjoying it.”

“And what’d you want to do?” Monty asks.

Nate’s still looking down, but a smile takes his face. “Teach.”

Monty can’t help the laugh that bubbles out of him. “You wanted to be a _teacher_?”

“Mm-hm. English, specifically. But life’s weird, how it works, so that’s not… yeah. Maybe one day I’ll get back to it. But yeah.”

“Younger kids?” Monty asks. “Older kids?”

“Either or. I like kids.”

Monty wipes his mouth with his napkin. “Do you want kids?” he asks. “I mean. One day.”

Nate finally looks up to him, his eyes clear. “Yeah. One day.” He looks away before he asks, “What about you?”

“Oh, definitely one day,” Monty agrees. “But I’m so not there yet.”

The silence between them returns for a moment, Nate just crunching his salad. “Any ideas?” he asks. “For what you want to see next?”

Monty swallows his latest bite. “What about something in Oakland?”

* * *

Friday night, Monty’s spread out on the couch with Raven. Jasper and Clarke were going to some showing, and Monty and Raven both had long days.

The room is hazy and Monty feels some sort of emptiness inside of him.

“I signed up for Bumble,” Raven says.

Monty coughs out the smoke he just inhaled. “What.”

Raven shrugs. “I was hanging out with Bellamy and Clarke the other day,” she says. “And they’re like, way in love. It made me feel lonely.”

Monty manages a laugh. “You think?”

“Oh, for sure.” She reaches for the vape--Bellamy and Nate helped them get their own--and takes a hit. “Miller’s nice. You should date him.”

“Was he there?” he asks.

“Mm-hm. It was me and Clarke and Miller and Bellamy and Octavia. Octavia’s a mess, but I can dig it sometimes. Anyway, I like Miller and you should date him.”

Monty rolls his eyes. “I like being friends with him,” he says. It’s an easy friendship. In fact, they’re texting right now. “That doesn’t mean I should date him.”

“Mmm.” Raven exhales. “Was the sex bad?”

Monty chucks a pillow at her. “No!”

She laughs, “Then what? Why not?”

“Because I don’t want to date anyone right now,” Monty says. Raven rolls her eyes, but she’s still smiling. “Why can’t I just want to love myself?” he asks. “Settle in?”

“Hey, you do you. I’ll just do me. On Bumble.”

“Any prospective dates?” Monty asks, leaning into the subject change.

“Mm.” Raven pulls out her phone, and the rest of the night Monty helps her swipe left and right on boys and girls alike.

 **Monty  
** i’m a bit high

 **Nate  
** Just a bit?

 **Monty  
** i blame you entirely with your weird weed delivery service

 **Nate**  
Lmao I’d say sorry but I’m not  
Doing anything fun? Or just smoking?

 **Monty  
** i’m helping raven find her soulmate

 **Nate  
** That’s a pretty big task. How’s it going?

 **Monty**  
everyone in the bay is so attractive  
but maybe i’m just high  
also maybe they’re just uploading their best photos to the dating apps

 **Nate**  
I now understand  
Yeah it’s both great and awful all at once  
Did you sign up too?

 **Monty**  
oh heck no  
i’m just here with her  
did you ever?

 **Nate**  
What, do online dating? Yeah.  
That’s how I met my ex.  
A few of my exes actually.  
But my latest ex specifically.  
Seems to be a trend of them becoming exes though so I should probably delete them.

 **Monty  
** them as in plural? multiple dating apps?

 **Nate**  
I’m a bit of a hopeless romantic.  
I like to believe in second chances.

 **Monty**  
awwwwwwww  
sorry things with your last guy didn’t work out. what happened?

 **Nate**  
I wanted something more serious, he didn’t. Couple of weeks before I met you.  
But yeah, it’s okay. I mean it’s better to get out of something that’s not going to last than hope something changes, I guess.

 **Monty  
** you miss him?

 **Nate**  
Sometimes. I don’t know.  
I try not to.  
He certainly doesn’t miss me.

 **Monty  
** can i stalk him on facebook?

 **Nate  
** Lol sure. We’re still friends. Bryan Wellbelove.

 **Monty**  
one sec  
omg he’s hot good work  
seems privileged tho

 **Nate  
** Hahaha yeah I guess that’s true. His family’s got money.

 **Monty  
** omg that was so mean of me to say idk this man at all

 **Nate**  
No but you were right.  
Do you have exes?

 **Monty**  
a few. don’t really keep in contact with most of them though.  
my one boyfriend dumped me because he found out i was bi  
or rather i told him i was bi and he freaked out  
my last girlfriend told me her family wouldn’t approve. bc i’m korean? that was weird  
no one that i really miss though i guess  
i miss moments, mostly

 **Nate  
** Yeah I get that.

Monty falls asleep with his text thread open, and his head on Raven’s shoulder.


	2. Chapter 2

The bus ride to the Redwood Regional Park is a lot longer than Monty’s anticipating, but Nate doesn’t seem to mind. If anyone’s getting antsy though it’s Clarke, because she’s brought along Wells, her best friend from when she was growing up who just moved out to San Mateo, and she’s trying very hard to impress him. Wells doesn’t seem to notice the tension though, and is happily chatting with Raven and Nate about Clarke as a small tough kid who used to scrape her knees all the time.

They have to switch buses halfway there, and somehow Monty ends up sitting beside Bellamy.

“I’ve never actually been to see the redwoods,” Bellamy says. “Regional or national. It’s just one of those things I kept saying I’d do but never actually got around to.”

“Well I hope it doesn’t disappoint. I have no concept of this place at all.”

Bellamy laughs. “I’m sure it’ll be fine, Monty.”

Ever since their urban hike, Monty’s been a bit weary of hiking in general. It’s a shame, because he loves being in nature, but the act of hiking is so fucking exhausting. He has invested in a new pair of hiking shoes though so hopefully that helps with the blisters.

Before Monty can tell Bellamy all of this, his phone starts humming in his pocket. To see his dad’s contact info flash makes Monty too excited to answer the phone. “Sorry,” he says to Bellamy. “It’s home. Hello?” he asks, answering the call.

“Hi Monty. Do you have a minute?”

“Of course! What’s going on? How are you doing?” Monty’s in the bus seat on the edge of the row, so to get a step of privacy he switches aisles to sit alone. “I miss you, Dad.”

“I miss you too. I know it’s been a while since we’ve talked.” He takes a deep breath, and at the sound of it Monty’s smile fades at once. “Monty I have to tell you something.”

Monty hesitates. “What is it?”

He wishes he hadn’t asked.

* * *

They reach the bottom of the loop they’re hiking when Nate pulls Monty aside. “Hey, are you okay? You haven’t been yourself today.”

The hike is beautiful. Monty’s a big fan of this park, a bigger fan of all of the dogs that are running around without leashes, the biggest fan of all of his friends. But he’s sad. And any time he thinks about it, his eyes start watering, so he’s trying not to think about it at all.

“I’m okay,” Monty says. “Really.”

Nate doesn’t look like he believes him. “Bellamy said you got a call on the bus,” Nate says, and Monty forces a smile to try and distract from how _sad_ he is. “You want to talk about it?”

“No,” he responds, a little too quickly, but Nate doesn’t seem to mind. He just nods. “Have you been here before?” he asks, gesturing.

Nate shakes his head, and Monty’s so fucking thankful that he leans into the subject change. “I haven’t,” he says, “but it’s crazy beautiful. I went to the national park a few years ago. These trees aren’t as big, but it’s still nice.”

“Yeah,” Monty agrees. “I keep having to remind myself that Oakland is part of the bay. Which is weird, because I live here.”

Nate shrugs a little. “When people talk about big and exciting cities, everyone always talks about San Francisco. I mean even here, if you say you’re going to the city, it means you’re going to SF. Not downtown Oakland. You’ve just got to realign your expectations a little. Oakland has a different feel. But it’s all the bay, and it can all be your home.” Monty nods in agreement, and Nate turns so his eyes are somewhere else. “You know Wells?”

“A bit. I mean, we’ve met before.”

“He’s cool,” Nate says, and Monty nods again.

He watches as Nate’s eyes focus a little on Wells before a slow smile takes his face, and then nestling alongside the sadness in Monty’s chest due to that stupid phone call is something else. He doesn’t want to put a name to it, but if he did it might feel like jealousy.

“Well I’m glad you’re enjoying the hike,” Monty says, and Nate twists back around to face him. “Maybe I can make you fall in love with Oakland.”

“Shouldn’t be too hard,” Nate says with a smile, bigger than before. He reaches out, almost placing his hand on Monty’s shoulder before dropping it down to his side instead. “I’m here if you want to talk,” he says, and Monty knows he means it.

Still, he doesn’t say anything to anyone until much later, until another phone call (this one from his mom), until Wells has left them for his own home (just an hour or so south of the city) and it’s just the four of them back in their living room.

“My parents are getting divorced,” Monty announces, and the room falls quiet. “They called today to tell me.”

“Oh, Monty,” Clarke says softly. “I’m so sorry.”

“No, it’s okay.”

“Did something happen?” Raven asks.

“Yeah. My mom had an affair with my fucking high school principal. But it’s fine. I just wanted to let you all know.”

“Wait--that Pike guy?” Jasper asks. “You hated him!”

“He hated _me_ ,” Monty counters. It wasn’t Monty’s fault that his high school administration didn’t understand what a prank was. He spent a lot of time his senior year in that office, often threatened to have graduation privileges revoked due to his various hi-jinks around the school. If they weren’t going to let him start his own GSA, he was going to make it work for him. “But again. It’s just.”

“Hey,” Clarke says again. “It’s allowed to suck.”

Monty’s eyes well up at once. “Yeah.”

They end up lying on the floor together, all four of them on top of each other in some way, holding Monty until he cries himself to sleep.

* * *

 **Nate  
** You went to Fisherman’s Wharf without your tour guide?

 **Monty  
** meet for lunch?

 **Nate  
** Sure.

Monty and Jasper spend a lot of time staring at the seals. Fisherman’s Wharf is a bit of a tourist trap, but that’s why Monty loves it so much. It’s full of diversity, strangers coming from all over the world to walk this stretch of pier just because other people have spoken about how wonderful it is. There are some good views of the various bridges, a great view of Alcatraz, but Monty really likes the seals.

“Do you think they know how ugly they are?” Jasper asks, and Monty can’t help but laugh. There are so many of them, chasing other seals off of their platforms, sunbathing, barking at the sky. “Dogs of the sea, man. Seals are weird.”

Monty shakes his head at his friend. “Yeah, they are.”

It’s been a couple of weeks since their trip to the redwoods and Monty’s been feeling a bit out of sorts. His mom, more than ever, wants him to come home for a few days so they can talk in person. Monty’s still angry with her though, he isn’t sure he’s ever going to _not_ be angry, and he can’t just take off a couple of days to be with her. He thought maybe a trip into the city would be helpful, but it’s just making him feel more out of it.

He and Jasper have been going in and out of all of the various stores, and it was fun for a while, but now they’re sitting and watching the seals and that sadness is back, dark and heavy all at once.

“Do you want to talk about your parents?” Jasper asks.

“Not really,” Monty admits. “I probably should. But I don’t want to.”

“Hmm.” Monty leans onto his friend and Jasper drapes his arm over Monty’s shoulder. “It sucks when parents become real, flawed people.”

“It feels like such a stupid thing to be upset about,” Monty says.

“No, that’s bullshit,” Jasper tells him. “You spent your whole life thinking your parents loved each other and would be together forever and now there’s this fundamental change that’s happened. It’s allowed to suck and hurt and be awful.”

Monty blinks hard to keep away his tears. “You know it’s fucked when _you’re_ the one giving _me_ advice,” Monty murmurs.

“I can give okay advice sometimes,” Jasper counters with a laugh. “I’ve gotten enough from Clarke that I can retain the meaningful stuff.”

They watch the seals a bit longer before meeting up with Harper and Nate for lunch. Monty feels a bit spacey still, and halfway through the meal he feels something tighten up inside his stomach.

Nate’s phone flashes with a message from Wells.

He doesn’t mean to tense after that, but it doesn’t sit well, so he closes himself off. Jasper notices, hence the narrowed eyes in Monty’s direction, but no one says anything. Why is Nate texting _Wells_? When did they even exchange numbers? Wells is Clarke’s friend, not Nate’s. That’s weird. It’s a weird thing. It’s a not good, weird thing, for the two of them to be texting.

 **Monty  
** did you give wells nate’s number?

 **Clarke**  
Yeah he asked for it.   
Why?

 **Monty**  
jw  
did he say why he asked for it?

 **Clarke**  
I’m sure he did but I can’t remember  
Why?

 **Monty  
** stop asking me why

 **Clarke  
** Okay…

After lunch they decide to smoke and walk around a bit, but Monty feels like his chest is full of knotted wires that keep sparking. Even after it starts to kick in he still feels anxious, or out of sorts in a way. When Jasper and Harper take the lead, Nate grabs the hem of Monty’s shirt and pulls him backwards.

“What’s going on with you?” Nate asks quietly, letting the other two get ahead of them, but Monty won’t hold his gaze. “You’ve got nerves like, radiating off of you, Monty.”

“It’s been a long couple of weeks,” he mutters. But Nate doesn’t like that answer. He just levels Monty with a look. “My parents are getting divorced,” he says, turning so he doesn’t have to look at Nate. “My mom had an affair. They called me that day we were at the redwoods.”

“Oh--fuck, Monty.” Nate reaches out, his fingers brushing Monty’s forearm. “Shit. I’m so sorry.”

“No, it’s okay. I just--feel really lost,” Monty rambles on. “And confused and afraid? I don’t know why I feel so afraid. And--” Nate strides toward him, opening his arms for a hug. Monty lets out a shaky breath and buries his face against Nate’s chest. Nate’s arms come full circle and hold him tightly. “I think maybe I’m not supposed to be here,” Monty murmurs.

“Aw, c’mon. That’s not true.”

Monty pulls back enough that he can wipe his eyes. “It’s like--some big fucking sign, it feels like. Like this isn’t my place.”

“What’s your parents issues got to do with you being here?” Nate asks.

“Nothing,” Monty murmurs. “Everything. I don’t know.” He shakes his head. “Maybe if I’d been there instead of here--”

“Hey, stop it. They’re adults, Monty.” He places his heavy hands on Monty’s shoulders before squeezing once. “Did they say anything about you being out here as a reason?”

“No, of course not, but--”

“Then breathe.” Monty takes a very intentional breath. He feels Nate’s fingers brushing the hair by his neck. “Is there anything I can do?” Nate asks.

Monty leans back in, his forehead against Nate’s collarbone, before taking another breath. Nate smells good. And this hug, this is nice. Monty closes his eyes and lets himself be in this moment for as long as he can before pulling back.

“No. I just have to deal with it I guess.”

Nate nods, but his eyes look sad. For a moment. Then, he lights up.

“I have an idea.”

* * *

Ghirardelli Square isn’t too far from where they’ve been strolling, in fact it’s only about a 10 minute walk, and Monty could _really_ use some ice cream.

It’s pretty busy when they get there but Monty doesn’t mind the wait, and soon all four of them are sitting down ready to split some sundaes with one another. Nate’s phone buzzes with another text from Wells but he doesn’t check it, instead he slides it into his pocket and redirects his attention to the group.

“Sometimes,” Jasper says around a mouthful of chocolate ice cream, “I forget that places like this exist.”

“This is so good,” Harper moans.

Monty sucks his spoon with a smile and Nate presses his lips together to keep from grinning. “It’s a bit sweet,” Monty adds.

“Savory, yeah,” Nate agrees. He’s gotten a mint chocolate chip something or other, and Monty’s trying not to tease him about it. “Practically decadent.”

“Alright, Mr. Thesaurus,” Harper chimes. “Thank you for your words. Any others to add?”

“Yeah,” Nate says. “Rude.” Harper laughs and scoffs at the same time. This was what Monty needed, he realizes after another bite. To share ice cream with some friends. “How you two liking it?” he asks Jasper and Monty, and Monty smiles.

“It’s perfect,” he answers.

* * *

It’s not an every weekend thing that they do, going out to explore, but at least once a month Nate makes sure to set some time aside for Monty, and Monty for Nate, and it’s nice. It’s such a joy to be able to fall in love with this place again and again from a different angle. At the Exploratorium. At Bernal Heights. It’s one thing to love the area, it’s another to meet new parts of it and still feel that warmth.

Their friend groups really do blend seamlessly. Even though Nate and Monty were the trigger to getting everyone together, hardly a week goes by when Monty doesn’t see one of his friends hanging out with one of Nate’s. It’s weird to differentiate them too. Nate’s friends versus Monty’s friends. They’re all just friends, and that’s good.

It’s a surprisingly warm night in November and they’re all at Octavia’s apartment. Lincoln got a promotion so they’re hosting a party, and there’s way more people than Monty was anticipating but that’s okay. He doesn’t know all of them, in fact most of them are Lincoln’s people, but it’s always good to network.

He’s in the middle of a conversation with a man named Otan when Nate swoops in, his arm around Monty’s waist in familiar greeting. “There you are,” Nate says, and his eyes are bright and hazy all at once. “We were doing shots.”

“You _were_?” Monty asks.

Nate grins. “We couldn’t find you. We could do another altogether.” He turns a bit, dropping the casual touching, and Monty steps out of arm's reach. Nate doesn’t seem to notice, and Otan moves on to mingling with another person. “Or just us.”

Monty shakes his head a little. “Are you drunk?”

“Maybe.”

“Oh man.”

“You should catch up,” Nate jeers. Monty knocks back the rest of whatever it is that Jasper mixed him earlier and heads to the kitchen to make something stronger. So much for networking. Nate follows after him, his smile fading with every step. The kitchen is quiet in relation to the rest of the house, and Nate lingers in the doorway. “You okay?” he asks.

“I’m fine,” Monty tells him. The bottle of soda fizzes when he twists it open. “Just inside my own head again.”

“Wanna talk about it?”

“Not really.”

Nate nods. “Sure.” Nate strides toward him slowly and Monty focuses on his drink. “What’re you doing tomorrow?”

“Sleeping off this hangover, I’m sure.”

Nate laughs. “Let’s go to Dolores Park. Have you been yet?”

Monty adds a fuck ton of rum to his drink before looking back to Nate. “I haven’t.”

“We can all go. Smoke a blunt and just lay around. It’s supposed to be nice again.” Nate’s closer now, just a step away. “It’s one of my favorite places.”

Monty rolls his eyes but can’t stop his smile. “You say that about every place we go.”

“Maybe I just like going with you.” Monty’s heart stumbles in his chest and he feels his face flare up at once, but Nate powers on like he hasn’t said anything at all. “There are so many beautiful places here. I’m allowed to have more than one favorite place. It’s like--friends. You’re allowed to have more than one favorite friend.”

“I believe the term is _best_ friend,” Monty tells him.

“Well sure. You have your like, best friend. But then you have your best friend when it comes to trivia. Or your best friend when it comes to commuting with. You can have more than one best friends who are your best friends for different things.”

“That feels selective,” Monty says, but Nate doesn’t always talk like this and Monty wants to keep it going. “I mean--Jasper’s my ultimate best friend.”

“And so what about Clarke,” Nate questions. “Is she not your best friend?”

“No, she is,” Monty argues. “But--it’s different.”

“And Raven?”

“Still different,” Monty says, and, okay, he understands Nate’s point. “What’s your _ultimate_ favorite place in the bay?” he asks.

Nate’s mouth quirks to the side while he thinks. “I don’t know. I’m undecided.”

“What’s the first place you thought of?” Monty challenges. “When I asked?”

Nate shakes his head, laughing a little. “Not saying. Drink your drink.”

“Nate!”

“Nope.”

Monty groans but decides to chug the rest of his drink. It hits him hard and fast, and only 20 minutes later the world feels a little bit louder. Since the finishing of his drink he’s moved to the balcony, and Monty’s amazed at the city below them.

“This is not the average bay experience,” Monty announces to whoever’s near him. It turns out to be Raven and Harper, and they both laugh. “How’s Octavia afford this place?”

“She doesn’t. Lincoln does,” Harper says.

“Family money?”

“No, Lincoln works hard. He’s a personal trainer for some way rich people.”

“Jesus.” Monty leans on the balcony and looks down. They’re pretty high up. Good thing he doesn’t have a fear of heights. “I feel out of it,” he says, and immediately Raven’s by his side with their arms looped together. “I keep thinking about my parents,” Monty says.

Raven leans onto his side. “It’s gotta be hard,” she says. “My dad left when I was young, and my mom sucks, so it’s different. Like, I grew up knowing they both sucked. It’s harder when you’re older.”

Monty sighs. “You think you’ll ever be in love?” he asks.

Raven shrugs. “Maybe.”

“Harper?” Monty asks.

She steps forward, joining them closer to the edge. “I hope so,” she says. “What about you?”

Monty doesn’t answer. Even drunk he knows how silly it is to put his thoughts about love into words. Instead he sighs again, and Raven pats him gently on the back.

They head back inside where it’s much more crowded and Monty navigates his way through the various groups of people. Some new pop song is blasting and there’s rambunxious laughter from somewhere across the room and then Monty walks into Nate and his brain short circuits. He thinks back to earlier, in the kitchen, which really wasn’t all that long ago, and the question appears again.

“In the kitchen,” Monty says, “what were you thinking about?”

Drunk like this, standing so close to Nate, it’s easy to think about that first night. All Monty would have to do is tilt his chin up and then their lips would meet. Sometimes Nate looks at Monty like this and Monty feels like he’s by the ocean, or on top of a peak. Completely unstoppable.

He’s so happy that they’re friends but there’s still this layer here, this memory of a night that ignited something between them.

Nate’s eyes grow a touch darker and he smiles. “Don’t worry about it,” he says. Before Monty can press him for that answer Nate pulls his phone out of his office. His smile shifts into something else and Monty is surprised to see a text from Wells on his screen, which causes Nate to laugh.

“That’s interesting,” Monty says, and Nate taps out a response without looking up. “You and Wells.”

Nate laughs this time too, finally making eye contact. “What do you mean, me and Wells?” Monty gestures toward Nate’s phone and Nate pockets it quickly. “That’s not a thing,” he says, and all traces of laughter are gone from his face. “Really, Monty.”

There’s hesitation, but Monty manages to ask anyway. “You’re not into Wells?” Monty asks, feeling annoyed at how surprised he is. “But I thought--”

“We just watch the same lame TV show,” Nate says. “We’ve been texting but it’s not like…” _Not like what?_ Nate steps closer, his voice dropping. “I thought you knew I wasn’t looking.”

Monty swallows. That could mean so many things. But Nate’s looking at him all warm again, like Monty’s figured out the secrets that the city holds and crafted them into light, and it makes his tongue feel heavy. He could kiss Nate now, if he wanted. Nate might even kiss him back. That’s what this look means, right? That a kiss would be welcomed. Encouraged, even.

“You’ve been texting a lot,” Monty finally says.

Nate lets out a soft breath, and somehow he feels closer still. “I didn’t know you cared.”

“I don’t.”

“Hm.” Nate reaches up and brushes Monty’s hair from his face, and Monty is totally fucked. In this moment, with Nate so close and his eyes so warm and brown, he likes Nate so fucking much. “Okay then.”

“Okay then,” Monty echoes.

He straightens, shrinking away a bit. He can’t do this. He can’t _like_ Nate. The thought of liking Nate--no. Just--no fucking way. That’s not happening. _When I’m more settled_ , Monty remembers saying.

He hurries away from Nate without an explanation.

* * *

Monty isn’t sure how he and Raven actually manage to make it to Dolores Park the next day, but they do, and Monty totally understands why it’s in the contenders for one of Nate’s favorite places. It’s beautiful, just like the rest of the places they’ve been.

The park is crowded because it’s such a nice day but Nate and Bellamy managed to get there early enough to grab a decent spot.

“No Clarke?” Bellamy asks as they settle down, and Raven smirks. “I thought she said she was coming.”

“Has some errands to run,” Monty tells him, and tries not to laugh at the soft disappointment on his face. “Next time,” Monty says, and Bellamy nods.

Dolores Park is one of those places you go that makes you feel so connected to other people. Even if he wasn’t smoking, Monty knows he would feel like his soul has joined a collective group of others who are just here, enjoying the sun. When his high settles in he stretches back, turning toward Nate. Raven and Bellamy are talking about their favorite video games, but Nate’s got his eyes closed and his hands behind his head.

“Hey,” Monty says softly.

Nate cracks an eye open. “Yes?”

“Thank you. For bringing me to places that you love.”

Nate turns a little so he can face him. “Happy to,” he says.

“I’m glad we’re friends,” Monty says, because he feels like he needs to. He needs Nate to know this, that their friendship is so fucking vital to him. Without Nate, Monty's not sure he would love the city like he does. He's shown him so much beauty and so much kindness all at once. "Really."

Nate rolls back down, closing his eyes again. “Me too.” Monty hesitates. He wants to say something else so Nate really understands, but he doesn't know what to say. With his eyes closed, Nate says, "I thought of Twin Peaks."

Monty thinks for a moment. "You mean last night? When I asked your favorite place?" 

"Mm."

"Why was that such a secret?" Monty asks with a laugh. He'd basically said the same before, that Twin Peaks is his favorite. 

"My reason."

"Why are you such a dweeb sometimes?" Monty asks with another laugh. Nate's smiling, but he won't open his eyes. "Well what's your reason?"

"Where's my pen?" Nate asks, holding open his hand so Monty can return his vape to him. Monty reaches over Raven to grab it from Bellamy before handing it to Nate, and still with his eyes closed, he takes a pull. Monty likes the vapes that they have, or pens, since that's what Nate likes to call them. They're not those crazy embarrassing smoky ones that make it look like someone's in a cloud. Still, when Nate exhales, a small puff of smoke is there. "It was just the first thing I thought of when you asked," Nate finally answers.

"But why?" Monty pushes.

Nate turns, cracking open an eye to look at Monty, before closing them again. "Because I was thinking about you," he says.

Monty's entire stomach swoops. "What?"

"We'd hung out at the Presidio," Nate says. "And I was worried it wouldn't be the same. Hanging out. And it was. Better, even. And you said that Twin Peaks made you feel like you finally understood everything and that..." he trails off, smiling. "That's how it makes me feel, too. So I was thinking about you and how my favorite place made you feel the way it makes me feel." 

Monty grabs the vape from Nate's hand, and Nate opens his eyes this time to watch Monty take the hit. For a moment, he isn't sure what to say. And then he decides maybe it's not best to say anything at all, because Nate already understands. 

Instead, he settles down by Nate's side with a smile of his own. 


	3. Chapter 3

When December rolls around and Monty gets a text message from his father saying he’s planning to come out for a weekend, Monty isn’t excited. He thought he would be, to have his family out here, but definitely not under these circumstances.

When his father arrives the next Friday, Monty hardly recognizes him.

He flew into SFO because it was cheaper than the Oakland airport, even though Monty lives in Oakland and his father is staying at an Airbnb nearby, so they have a very long and silent ride on bart after Monty goes to meet him.

Once they’re settled, the air is quiet again. “I’ve asked your mother to move out this weekend,” his father says. They’re sitting on the couch, side by side, and everything about this is awkward. “She has until I fly home to take all of her things.”

“Jesus, Dad.”

His dad sighs. “It was nearly a year, Monty,” he tells his son. “The affair. A _year_. Right under my nose.” He shakes his head. “To think I thought we were happy…”

Monty distracts his dad by taking him to all of his favorite places. To the Golden Gate. To Twin Peaks. To Dolores Park. His father smiles, but it’s like he’s not really here. A shell of a man that’s just moving through the motions. He sees these places that bring Monty so much joy and hope and _life_ but it’s not the same.

His father is broken.

When he leaves on Sunday night, Monty feels broken too.

“Was it that bad?” Clarke asks at dinner that night. Monty doesn’t say anything to his roommates until his father’s boarded the plane, but it’s impossible to put the heartache and the awkwardness of the whole thing into words.

“Worse,” Monty laments.

Jasper pats him on the back. “I’m sorry, man.”

“He told me my mom was having the affair for a _year_ ,” Monty says, and even Raven startles at that. “A whole fucking year. How can someone _do_ that to someone they care about? God I fucking--God. That sucks. This sucks.” Monty takes a deep breath. “Maybe I should move home.”

Jasper scoffs. “Um, what?”

“No way,” Clarke says.

Monty throws up his arms. “My dad needs me!” he says. “Maybe that’s--maybe that’s why my mom never wanted me out here in the first place--because she knew she was going to ruin him and wanted me there to protect him.”

“You can’t protect him from this,” Raven says. “And more importantly--you shouldn’t have to. If that was your mom’s line of thought, it’s bullshit.”

“He’s my _dad_ ,” Monty stresses. It doesn’t matter if Monty shouldn’t _have_ to. He wants to. “And he needs me. And if I can help piece him back together then I should do that.”

“And what about you?” Jasper argues. “What about everything you’ve built here?”

“I could come back,” Monty says.

“Or will you get stuck?” Clarke pushes. “Like you’ve been so afraid of?”

There’s an urge, then, deep inside of Monty, to just fucking sprint. Away from this table. Away from this argument. Away from his friends and from the bay. But he’s a logical man, and so he keeps his seat.

“Then what am I supposed to do?” he croaks. Monty drops his head into his hands and fights off tears.

This is not what he signed up for. He wanted adventure and friendship and fun, not heartache and fear. They’ve nestled inside his bones and have expanded, taking up every inch of joy that he’s created for himself in this place.

“You’re doing everything you can,” Clarke tells him gently. “You’re supporting him from afar. You check in every day. You keep things normal for him.”

“Yeah,” Jasper agrees, nodding fiercely. “If you dropped everything and went home, it’d be like--showing him that he’s broken. Which isn’t true.”

“It is true,” Monty rasps. “He _is_ broken.”

“Okay. And--okay, that’s fine,” Jasper carries on. “C’mon, we’ve all been there. But like--when Maya broke up with me? None of you let me wallow in my shit. If I had--if people had just let me fall apart, God I would’ve been so _fucked_. But you guys held me accountable and you kept things _normal_ and I found my footing again!”

“Pretending things are normal isn’t--”

“You’re not pretending,” Raven cuts him off. “You’re acknowledging everything that’s happened. But you don’t need to give up everything you have to support him.”

Monty presses the heel of his palm into his eyes and sniffles. “Fuck. I hate everything about this.”

“And that’s another thing,” Clarke says, leaning toward him. “Let us support you, Monty. You’re not alone in this. What do you need?”

He finally looks up at his friends, and God, he loves them so much. “Can we get fro-yo?”

Clarke smiles, nodding her head. “Yeah. And when you need something bigger than that, we’ll be here for that too.”

* * *

It’s sort of become a weekly thing for Nate and Monty to get lunch during the week together, but due to various meetings on both of their part, they don’t get around to it until Friday this week.

They’re at this place that is much closer to Nate’s work than to Monty’s, but the food is delicious and they’re both enjoying the ability to actually sit down and eat instead of ordering food and scrambling for a place to sit after. It’s a vegetarian restaurant but the options are limitless so Monty doesn’t mind.

“I am so ready for this week to be over,” Nate mutters once the man who took their orders leaves. “I feel like my brain is empty.”

“Mm.” Monty nudges Nate’s foot beneath the table. “Rough time at Twitter?”

Nate shakes his head a little bit smiles. “No. Real life stuff.”

“Is Twitter not real? Did I miss something?”

Nate laughs. “No. Twitter is still real. I mean…” he hesitates, his smile slipping. “It’s Bryan,” Nate tells him.

Monty sits up straight. “Your ex?”

“Yeah. But it’s fine. I’m just ready for the weekend.”

Monty hesitates. He wants to talk about this. “I know that you always tell me I can talk about things with you even though I never take you up on the offer,” Monty says, and Nate’s smile returns. Smaller, but still there. “But if you want to talk, I mean. The same stands for me, Nate. I’m always here for you.”

Nate lets out a long breath but nods. “Yeah, I know. I know you are, and I appreciate that.” He tips his head to the side. “Wish you felt the same, but--”

“I do!” Monty insists. “I know I can talk to you. But my shit is all… family shit. Home shit. You know? Stuff that doesn’t really impact me. I mean it does, but I can’t do anything about it. And I just feel like it’s never ending. So I don’t want to be a drag.” Monty considers reaching out, resting his hands atop Nate’s, but changes his mind before doing so. “I know that you’re here for me.”

Nate holds Monty’s gaze for a long time before he looks down to the table. He shakes his head again, his smile actually gone. “Bryan wants to meet up,” he says. Monty tries to not immediately be angry. “He said he wants to talk about what happened between us.”

“What happened between you?” Monty echoes. “Like, your break up?”

“Ah…” Nate trails off. “Um.” He reaches up to scratch his hairline. “Kind of. It--” he pauses as the waiter returns to fill up their glasses with water. “It didn’t end on great terms,” Nate reminds him, and Monty nods. “And he texted me and told me that he still wants me in his life and regrets how things ended. So I said yes.”

Monty leans back in his seat, trying not to let himself look too surprised. “Do you think he wants to try again?” he asks.

Nate still won’t look at him. “I don’t know.”

“What will you say if he does?” Monty asks.

Finally, Nate meets Monty’s eyes. “I’m not sure,” he says evenly. There’s something that’s unsaid between them now that Monty tries not to listen to. He can’t listen to this look, as clear as a spring day in Nate’s eyes. Monty’s walls go up at once and he feels himself shuttering, closing himself off to the message that Nate wants him to see. “Why?”

Monty swallows. “You believe in second chances,” he recalls.

Nate’s mouth quirks slightly, but Monty can’t be sure why. “Usually,” he admits. _Usually_. Monty doesn’t look away until Nate does. “I don’t know,” Nate tells him, finally breaking their gaze. “I loved him,” Nate says quietly. “If there’s part of me that thinks, after meeting up with him, that I could get back to that?” He shakes his head. “I don’t know.”

“When are you meeting?”

Nate doesn’t answer right away because their food arrives, and for a moment it’s just the two of them gushing over their meals. They steal bites off of one another’s plates and comment on the taste and Monty thinks, for one unbearable moment, that he’s going to have to have to bring up Bryan without Nate returning to the conversation on his own.

But finally, he leans into it. “This Sunday,” he says. “We’re going to Lands End.”

Monty frowns. He hasn’t been to Lands End yet.

“That’s so soon,” Monty says.

“Mm.” They take a few bites. “Do you not think I should go?”

“I don’t know. I don’t know anything about him. I just briefly stalked him on Facebook that one time.” Monty thinks back to that night for a moment. “You said something about you wanting something more serious, but he didn’t?”

“Mm.”

Something like panic solidifies in Monty’s stomach. “Do you think he wants something more serious now?” Monty asks.

Nate shrugs. “We left it until Sunday.” He nudges Monty’s foot under the table. “I’ll give you an update once we’re done,” he says.

Monty manages a laugh, but knows it sounds pretty hollow. What is happening? Where are those walls he felt building up? He wants them taller, harder to break through. He doesn’t want to sit here, across from Nate, and feel his heart warming his entire body. He doesn’t feel that way about Nate--there hasn’t… there hasn’t been enough time. Right? Sometimes there are moments that he feels it, and part of Monty wants to embrace it, but something darker reminds him urgently that it isn’t right.

It’s because he isn’t settled yet. Monty has to cling to that idea, it’s the only one that makes sense.

“I hope, uh…” Monty tries to figure out how to say this. “I hope you get what you need from it,” he says.

Nate nods. “Me too.”

* * *

 **Nate  
** That was weird.

 **Monty  
** good weird or bad weird?

 **Nate  
** Both?

A lot of time passes without any elaboration before Monty decides to send a follow-up text.

 **Monty  
** any thoughts on second chances?

 **Nate**  
Ha. No.   
Sorry, I’m just trying to process a bit.  
Talking to Bellamy.

 **Monty  
** oh no rush you’re fine!

Monty slips his phone into his pocket and gives Nate the time that he needs, forcing himself onto his feet so he doesn’t just think about this. Instead he paces his house, walking until he finds one of his roommates. Clarke’s curled up on the couch in the living room and makes room for him as he sits.

“You okay?” she asks.

“What? I’m fine.”

“You seem tense. You marched in here all intense and what not.”

“I, uh,” Monty shrugs. “I’ve never been to Lands End,” he says. “Have you?”

“Bellamy and I went a few weeks ago actually,” she tells him. “Managed to steal his sweatshirt because I hadn’t realized how fucking windy it was going to be there. Still have it.” She smiles, nudging him with her elbow. “You and Miller going?”

“What? No.” Monty shakes his head. “He took Bryan.”

Clarke sits up. “Wait a second, his ex?” she asks. Monty nods, and her eyebrows narrow. “How do you feel about that?”

Monty’s own eyebrows furrow. “I don’t feel anything about that,” he says. “I was stating facts.”

“Okay…” Clarke goes back her phone and Monty sinks down further onto the couch. “I like Bellamy,” she says.

Monty snorts. “Sorry. It’s not funny. I mean,” he laughs. “Of course you like Bellamy.”

“No,” Clarke says. “Like I want to date Bellamy.” Monty freezes with his mouth open in a grin. “It’s been a while since I’ve liked someone like this,” she tells Monty. “So you can’t tease me. Or ever bring it up again unless I want to talk about it.”

Still grinning, Monty nods. “Yeah, sure. Yes. This is great. I love this, Clarke.”

 **Nate**  
Okay sorry. I think I need to drink something.   
Alcohol I mean. Not water. I’m pretty hydrated.

 **Monty  
** hydrate or die-drate

 **Nate  
** That’s what they say yeah.

“I just,” Clarke holds her phone against her chest as though the conversations she’s been having on it are precious. “It’s hard for me to get here,” she says. “I’m not like you.”

“Not like me?” Monty asks.

Clarke laughs. “Come on, Monty. You have so much love to give. You fall in love with everyone.”

 **Monty  
** is bellamy helping you with that or do you need me to come get drunk with you tonight?

 **Nate**  
It’s Sunday.  
We’re just going to smoke. No hangover.  
You can come over if you want though.

“I don’t fall in love with everyone,” Monty says, a little too sharply.

“You do so,” Clarke counters. “Out of all of us,” Clarke says, meaning the house, “you dated the most people in school. Jasper was just with Maya. Raven had a couple of people. I was mostly avoiding relationships.” Monty thinks on this, and he supposes that she’s right. “Maybe it’s not that you fall in love with everyone but when you find the person you want to be with, you open your heart for them. You’re never worried about… _being_ with someone.”

Something twists inside of him, but he’s not sure why. “I guess that’s true.”

“After Lexa,” Clarke says, “I just--haven’t known how to handle myself with people. She really hurt me. Before her, it was Finn, before all that it was--” she manages a laugh, “my _mom_. It’s just harder for me to share myself with someone because of what I’ve been through. But you’ve always--you fall in love with everyone. Like it’s always worth the risk.”

 _It is_ , Monty thinks. _Isn’t it?_

 **Monty**  
might be best if i just stay here  
maybe you should process some more first

 **Nate**  
Yeah okay.  
Offer stands though.

 **Monty  
** i’ll let you know

“Are you going to say something to him?” Monty asks. “Bellamy?”

“Sooner or later,” she says. “I’m not… there yet, but I want to be.” She looks up to him, a wicked smile on her face. “Are you going to say something to Miller?”

Monty drops his phone from his hands, like the conversation he’s having with Nate at the moment is burning his hands. “I don’t have anything to say to him,” Monty says.

But there’s something in his words that doesn’t feel right.

* * *

It’s another week until Monty actually gets to talk to Nate about his day with Bryan, and again it’s over lunch. Bellamy’s with them this time, but Raven couldn’t make it, so Bellamy’s mostly browsing his phone while Nate catches Monty up.

“I don’t know,” Nate says, “I just looked at him and didn’t feel the same.”

“But he wanted to get back with you?” Monty pushes. For some reason, this is important. “Like, for real?”

“Yeah.” Nate shrugs. “I don’t know. I don’t know.”

“You _do_ know,” Bellamy murmurs from where he’s sitting to Nate’s left. “He hurt you. Fuck that guy.”

Monty grins. “Not a fan of Bryan?” he asks.

Bellamy looks up from his phone. “No one fucks with my friends,” he says, but there’s something soft in his voice that makes Monty smile. “Miller knows how I feel about that guy.” He looks toward Nate, though Nate’s looking at the table. “And Miller knows I’ll support him no matter what, but I’m happy he’s not giving it much thought.”

“Sounds like he actually gave it a lot of thought,” Monty mutters.

Monty can feel Bellamy’s eyes dart to him after that.

“Enough thought,” Nate offers. “But--Bellamy’s right. He hurt me.” He shakes his head and Monty turns to watch Nate, but he can still feel Bellamy watching him. “It wasn’t even just wanting different things,” Nate says, “it’s how he made me feel because of the things that I wanted. To settle down, and... I don’t know. I deserve better than that.”

“You do,” Monty agrees. He doesn’t know exactly what those things were, but he’s sure that Nate deserves good things. Bellamy leans back, a smile finding his face. Monty coughs to clear his throat. “Uh--what are you two doing tonight?” he asks.

“O’s making me go to a boxing class with her,” Bellamy says. “But Miller’s free. Why?”

“Oh--just wondering.” Monty doesn’t know why his face is so red. “It’s been nice out. I was thinking of walking around Lake Merritt.”

Nate laughs. “Oh yeah?”

“I was going to see if maybe you guys wanted to come.”

“Miller would love to go,” Bellamy says, elbowing his friend.

“I don’t know,” Nate says, “I might have to--”

“I’ve just never walked it,” Monty cuts him off. “But I’m--just trying to monopolize on the good days. Seriously, it’s okay.”

“Miller hasn’t walked it either,” Bellamy chimes. “Have you?”

“I--no,” Nate says with a little laugh. “I’ve never walked around Lake Merritt.”

“Then you should come with me,” Monty offers. “While it’s still nice out.”

Nate thinks on it for a moment, his head tilted to the side, before he eventually nods. “Yeah,” he says. “Sure, okay. After work.”

Monty beams. “Yeah?”

“Yeah,” Nate says again. “Don’t you have that frozen yogurt place nearby too?”

“Oh, hell yes,” Monty says with a grin. Bellamy settles backwards in his seat and--right. Of course. Bellamy is still here. “I’ll text you at the end of the day,” Monty says, trying to refocus this conversation.

Nate grins, too. “Sounds great.”

* * *

Part of Monty expects Nate to bail on him. Like, he doesn’t _need_ to walk around a lake with Monty because of some half-assed plan over lunch. But Nate agrees, and sooner than later, they’re at the lake.

“I forgot it still gets so dark so early,” Monty murmurs as they arrive with the setting sun. The commute was a bit longer than usual, then there was getting to Lake Merrit that took some time. But Nate doesn’t seem to mind. “I’m sure there’ll be food at my house when we get there.”

“Only walking half tonight?” Nate asks as they start, gesturing up, way away, where Monty lives. “We should do the full lake on a Sunday. Might take a couple of hours.”

Monty’s face feels hot. “You didn’t have to come tonight, Nate.”

“Nah. I’m glad I did.” He elbows Monty softly. “Better than going home and staring at a screen for a few hours before bed. Besides, I like hanging out with you. And now we can talk without Bellamy.”

Monty laughs. “Was there something we couldn’t talk about in front of Bellamy?” he wonders.

“Bryan,” Nate reminds him.

“Oh.”

“He’s biased.”

“I feel biased too,” Monty says. “I feel very biased. I’m probably holding the same biases that Bellamy does.”

“But you don’t _know_ ,” Nate tells him.

They fall quiet for a moment, and Monty wonders if he _wants_ to know. Does he really want to hear about how good Bryan made Nate feel? How Nate wants that back?

“You said he hurt you,” Monty says. Nate shoves his hands into his back pockets. “ _You_ did. Not just Bellamy. I feel like that’s enough for me to be biased.” Nate sighs. “You also said you don’t feel the same,” Monty reminds him, and Nate dips his head into a nod. “Then why are you still not sure?”

“It’s…” Nate takes a deep breath like this is hard for him. “It’s not about Bryan,” he says. “It’s about me.” He doesn’t even shift his body toward Monty when he says, “I just miss what it was like.”

Monty reaches out for him, his hand around Nate’s wrist, to get him to slow down. “You’re allowed to miss that,” Monty says. “You’re allowed to _want_ that.”

To be with someone? Monty remembers it as such a security blanket. To have that one person that you looked out for, and was always looking out for you? To be in a committed relationship had always left him feeling safer, but more free all at once. To have a friend that he cared so much about, to share part of his heart.

Of course Nate would want that. Who wouldn’t?

Before Monty releases his hold on Nate’s wrist entirely, Nate twists his fingers with Monty’s and Monty’s entire stomach swoops. The tension held in his shoulders from moments ago disappears. When Nate brushes his thumb over Monty’s knuckle, Monty looks over with a smile.

“This okay?” Nate asks.

Monty squeezes his hand. “Yeah.”

Nate tugs him a touch closer and Monty leans against his arm, feeling happy. He feels the wires in his chest untangling as he holds Nate like this. For a moment, Monty wants to blame it on the fact that everyone in America is touch-starved. But he knows that this is different, even if he won’t say why.

“Do you remember that first day?” Nate asks quietly after a few comfortably silent moments. “When we went to the Presidio?”

Monty laughs. “How could I forget that?”

“And it was kind of awkward,” Nate powers on. “Because I’d wanted to make you breakfast.”

 _I liked you_ , Nate had said.

“It wasn’t awkward,” Monty objects, but he knows why Nate is doing this.

He wants to talk about them. Of course he couldn’t do this with Bellamy at the table, it wasn’t a conversation that Bellamy needed to be involved in. It was a follow-up to a private conversation from that first day, by the Golden Gate Bridge.

“All of this with Bryan,” Nate says. “I just… I’ve realized I don’t want that with _him_.”

Monty knows what he’s saying. _I want that with_ you _._ Immediately he realizes that he shouldn’t be holding Nate’s hand with what he’s about to say.

“Nate,” he starts. “You have to do what you have to do,” Monty tells him.

“What do you mean?”

“I mean I’m…” he trails off. There’s a tiny part of him that wonders what he’s doing, but a louder part reminds him that he _can’t_ do that. “Everything with my parents…” Monty starts again, but he shutters himself without realizing. This isn’t about them. “I’m not ready,” Monty settles with.

Instead of letting go, Nate’s thumb brushes over Monty’s. “Hey. We said no rush.”

“No, but Nate--”

They slow to a pause. The lights that line the lake start to twinkle above them. “Are you saying never?” Nate asks softly.

The answer bursts out of him, “No!” If Monty had been thinking, he might have said something else. A better example. More words. But the idea of _never_ with Nate makes him panicky. It’s not that he doesn’t want that. “No. Not never.”

“Then okay,” Nate says gently. “Okay. I’ll do what I have to do. But not-never works for me for now.”

Monty’s mouth feels dry. “You shouldn’t wait around,” he says. Especially for Monty. Monty’s definitely not worth that. Bryan might not be worth that, but someone might come along in the meantime. “I’m serious.”

“So am I.”

It doesn’t feel like enough. “This thing we’re doing,” Monty tries again. “It’s--”

“This thing we’re doing?” Nate asks. “What, where we hang out like we’re friends? Because we’re friends?” He squeezes Monty’s hand again. “Monty, I like being friends with you. Really. I’m good.”

“Nate, but--”

“I’m _good_ ,” he insists. “I just… wanted to know where you were.”

It’s been months since that first conversation. On all other accounts, Monty’s settled. He has a favorite coffee shop, a favorite local brewery. He knows what time he has to leave to make the bus, to catch the train. He can cross intersections without looking up from his phone.

So why does _this_ still feel like a rush? 


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> just trying to accurately express how complicated feelings can be, it's a bit of a mess.

The next week passes and neither of them mention their walk around the lake. It was strangely intimate but Monty stands by what he said. He’s not ready to commit himself to someone.

And he likes Nate. Just not like that. Not for now.

But even thinking that, playing it over and over in his head, Monty knows that isn’t true. He _does_ like Nate. He likes Nate a lot. Nate makes him smile and makes him feel safe and reminds him that the world is full of so many wonderful things. Monty _really_ likes Nate. But every time he thinks about that, there’s some sort of panic there that’s never existed before and he doesn’t know where it’s coming from.

What Clarke had said was true. Before this year, Monty had always risked it for a relationship. He’s never had this stab of fear when he liked someone. It’s unsettling, confusing.

It’s easiest to blame it on not being ready to settle.

Besides, there are still a few more months until their lease is up.

When Saturday arrives, Nate and Bellamy and Wells come over to their house. Wells settles on the couch close to Raven and Monty can’t avoid Nate’s smirk. Even Bellamy and Clarke sit pretty close. It feels like all of these pieces are falling into place, but Monty doesn’t count himself as part of that.

They spend their afternoon at the Oakland zoo, getting a whole new view of the city from one of the gondolas and drinking overpriced lemonade. That night, the three come back with them. Jasper and Raven head to the kitchen to start dinner while Clarke lays over both Bellamy and Wells at once. Nate follows Monty into his room.

They lay side by side on Monty’s bed, Monty closer to the wall, passing a vape back and forth.

“Hey,” Nate says. “Can I talk to you about something?”

Monty turns his head to look at him. “Sure?”

Watching Nate breathe out smoke is maybe too attractive. “It’s kind of serious.”

“Don’t freak me out,” Monty murmurs.

“I got an invitation to Google’s upcoming gala,” Nate says, finally turning to look at him. “Do you want to come with me?”

“You’re inviting me to a Google party,” Monty repeats, and Nate’s smile finally blooms. “Nate. Obviously I am going to go to the Google party with you. What the hell?” Nate laughs and Monty nudges him with his elbow. “That’s absurd! Of course I’ll go with you.”

“I think Bellamy’s going to bring Clarke,” he says, and Monty can’t help the laugh that bubbles out of him. “They’re soulmates, right? You picked up on that?”

“I definitely picked up on that,” Monty says with a grin. “How have we not talked about this before?”

Nate laughs. “I don’t know. Maybe it was too obvious.”

 “Clarke’s stubborn and afraid of love,” Monty tells him. “So she’ll fight it.”

“Bellamy too,” Nate agrees. “He doesn’t think he deserves it.”

“Once they get over their issues they’ll probably get married though.”

“Mm.” Nate digs into his pocket for his phone. “I’ll send you the details when I have more,” he says.

Monty exhales, looking to the man beside him. “Hey,” he says gently, and Nate pauses too. He looks back, eyes wide, and Monty manages a smile. “I’m really glad that we met,” he says. “I’m really grateful for you. And not just because of like--party invites and exploring together. But you’re a really good guy, Nate.”

Nate holds his gaze for a long time before he ducks his head, a new smile blooming. “Yeah, thanks. I mean. Not yeah. But.” The two of them laugh. “Me too,” Nate settles with. “But you.”

Nate passes back the vape and Monty takes another pull. His eyes feel heavy. The long day and the smoke make him feel like he’s laying closer to Nate. Like his mouth is just inches away from his, like he can feel Nate’s breath. When Nate reaches up, fingertips over Monty’s cheek, Monty realizes that they might actually _be_ that close.

“You’re too good to me,” Monty murmurs.

Nate turns his hand so it’s the back of his fingers against Monty’s cheek. “Why do you think that?”

 _Because you’re waiting_ , Monty thinks. _Because you haven’t given up yet. And I’m so afraid that you’re going to give up. But you haven’t, and maybe you should_.

Monty turns and Nate pulls back his hand. “Sorry,” Nate whispers. “I don’t want to push you.”

“You don’t,” Monty whispers back. “I just…”

He doesn’t know how to explain it to Nate, and it’s mostly because he doesn’t know where it’s coming from. But thankfully, Nate really _doesn’t_ push, so nothing else is said. They just lie there, looking at one another until Jasper calls out that dinner is ready.

* * *

By the time Monty and Clarke show up downtown for the party, they might already be a little drunk. It was Clarke’s idea. Really. Monty knows that not being sober around Nate is maybe not the best way to go these days, but Clarke was nervous, and Monty wasn’t going to let Clarke take shots alone.

Nate and Bellamy are waiting by the entrance with their tickets, and the grin that forms on Nate’s face when he spots Monty is crazy beautiful. This maybe wasn’t the best idea. Maybe Monty shouldn’t have come to this. Nate, in general, is dressed up, and the whole rolled-sleeve thing that'll happen halfway through the night is going to look so good on him it should be illegal. How is Monty going to deal with that? When Nate greets him with a hug, Monty gets a whiff of his aftershave and goes a little dizzy.

“Glad you could make it,” Nate says. When he pulls back, he laughs. “You smell like vodka.”

“I’m fine,” Monty says, even though he knows he’s not. “Blame Clarke.”

“Will do. C’mon, let’s go in.”

Monty has no idea what this Google gala is about, and honestly, he doesn’t really care. It’s a fucking Google gala. There’s food all over the place and music blasting and Nate is still so close that Monty thinks it would be way too easy to twist their hands together. 

“What’s the point of this, exactly?” Monty asks after the two of them drop off their coats in the coat check, and Nate grins.

“Just for fun, I think. Because they can afford it. They’re Google.”

“You got me there.”

They settle down at the table meant for the Twitter employees and Nate and Bellamy introduce Monty and Clarke to their co-workers. Clarke still looks nervous, and Monty wonders briefly is this is because maybe it’s just not a party invite.

That thought is confirmed when Bellamy says, “Well if I’m trying to impress a woman I might as well bring her to a Google gala.”

And when Clarke responds, “You don’t need to impress me, Bell. Seriously.”

Their co-workers smile, and Monty arches an eyebrow at his friend.

 **Monty  
** this is like A REAL DATE for you and bellamy isn’t it

 **Clarke**  
Don’t tell the others!!!   
They… probably know. But don’t tell them!  
I want to see how tonight goes.

 **Monty  
** goddammit clarke

“And you?” one of the women asks, gesturing to Monty. “Been a while since Miller’s brought around a boyfriend.”

“We’re just here as friends,” Nate comments, and Monty nods in agreement. He knows this. Whether it was said or not, these were his rules. This whole evening was just as friends. Friendly things. Just friendship, no feelings involved. “You hungry?”

After establishing their spots, Nate takes Monty to the food and they both get another drink. Monty feels like he’s going to drink a lot tonight.

“So,” Monty says as they stand, munching on snacks. “They’re on a, uh. Real date?”

“Surprise for me too,” Nate tells him. “Of course Bellamy and Clarke would keep the whole thing underwraps like this.”

“They’re too much.”

“They are,” Nate agrees.

All of this feels so surreal. Monty never thought he’d be in a place like this with a guy like Nate. Like, seriously, a Google gala? What a dream.

“You, um,” Monty turns his body so he can look more directly at Nate. “You look good tonight,” Monty says.

Nate’s smile is softer, but shining in his eyes. “Do I not look good other nights?” he teases.

“Nate.”

"I love when you're like this," Nate says, his smile growing. "Wide-eyed. Like you can't believe it." Monty wrinkles his nose at him and Nate laughs. "It's how you look whenever we go somewhere new. Like it's too good and you don't deserve it."

"You are too good," Monty quips, "and I don't deserve you."

"I was talking about the gala."

Cheeks red, Monty says, "I was just trying to say that you clean up nice, okay?" 

Nate laughs and Monty’s face feels warm. “Thank you,” he finally says. “So do you.”

This could very easily be a date for them, too. Very easily. Why does that thought make Monty so fucking nervous, though? It’s not like he’s never been on a date before. It’s not like he hasn’t had friendships that have shifted into relationships. Why is this thought, with _Nate,_ so different? Monty pushes it away, bent on enjoying the night.

“Thank you,” he responds. “Um--more drinks?”

Nate laughs. “What about shots?”

“Perfect.”

* * *

Monty loses count of how many drinks he has.

It’s bad, because every time Nate leans in, Monty gets a little lost in his eyes. It’s those fucking eyelashes. And then he finds himself looking at Nate’s mouth and something hot flares up inside of him. But with that is something cold at the same time, somehow, and so drinking is something to numb that fear.

Bellamy brings him something at one point, and it looks like he and Clarke are also trying to drink through the nerves of the night. “Hey,” Monty says at one point after he and Bellamy take their shots together. Nate and Clarke are off on their own, mingling. “Clarke’s important,” Monty says.

Bellamy ducks his head to fight a smile. “Yeah,” he says. “She is.” He looks to Monty, almost nervously. “Do you disapprove?”

Monty nudges his friend. “Are you serious? Definitely not. You two are like--yeah. Wow. Not even going to get into it.” Bellamy laughs and Monty smiles. “Just--she’s important,” he says again. Which Bellamy must know is more than that. Which Bellamy must know is _if you hurt her I swear to God_.

He nods. “I know.” He reaches out then, resting his hand on Monty’s shoulder, and squeezes once. “You too,” he says.

Monty steps back, trying to shake Bellamy’s grasp. “Me too what?”

“You and Miller.”

“ _No_ ,” Monty says. “We’re here as friends.”

Bellamy smiles. “Okay.”

“I’m serious.”

“O _kay_ ,” Bellamy says again. He squeezes Monty shoulder again, as Monty never got out of his hold, and finally lets go. “He’s important, too.”

“I know,” Monty says, because it’s true. Of course Nate is important. Bellamy’s still smiling, like maybe he doesn’t understand, and Monty doesn’t want to talk about it anymore. He looks out at the room and finds Nate near a bunch of co-workers. “Let’s go get them,” Monty says.

The two of them cross the room back to their people and Bellamy reaches out, tangling his fingers with Clarke’s. It makes something inside of Monty ache when his fingers brush Nate’s. All four of them mingle for a bit before Clarke drags Bellamy off somewhere, and then Monty finds himself alone with Nate with a flute of champagne.

He’s kind of pretty drunk, he realizes, when he says, “You’re important.”

Nate arches an eyebrow. “Am I?”

“Yeah. To me.”

“Only to you?” Nate teases. Monty frowns and Nate laughs, and Monty loves that sound so much. “Hey,” Nate says quietly, stepping close. “You’re important to me too, you know.” His voice drops and Monty feels himself shiver. “You’ve got to know,” Nate murmurs.

Monty swallows. “Of course I know,” Monty responds.

Closer now Nate asks, “Do you?”

Nate looks at him, his eyes dark, and Monty feels so fucking hot. He wets his lips and Nate leans in, slowly, and Monty presses himself forward. Nate groans against Monty’s mouth and Monty shudders, wrapping his arm around Nate’s waist to tug him closer.

He wants to kiss Nate so badly.

Nate kisses him back with the same urgency that’s pushing at Monty’s skin. He steps backwards, pushing them farther out of the main party, and Monty thunks backwards against the nearest wall.

“Sorry,” Nate tries to murmur, but Monty pulls him back in for a kiss. Nate’s mouth curves into a smile at this lack of response and Monty doesn’t even mind.

Monty had nearly forgotten what it was like to kiss Nate. There’s something tender about it, something thoughtful that drives him crazy. He tugs Nate’s hips toward him, needing the pressure, and Nate gasps into his mouth before moving closer. The kiss is still soft though, like he’s thinking about it more than he should be. Monty slides his hands beneath Nate’s shirt and Nate groans, grinding forward just enough that Monty starts to feel dizzy.

“Your place,” Monty whines between breaths, and Nate nods with a kiss. “Coat check?”

“I’ll get them,” Nate murmurs, but then he’s kissing Monty again. He cups his cheek and tilts his chin up and this kiss is soft, soft. “Where’s your ticket?”

“Back pocket,” Monty breathes.

Monty feels Nate grin rather than sees it, and finds himself breathless when Nate reaches into his back pocket to grab the ticket himself. “I’ll be quick,” Nate says.

“I’ll call a Lyft.”

Once Nate’s actually gone, Monty scrambles to get his phone out of his pocket. He’s surprised at the chain of texts from his friends.

 **Clarke  
** Where did you go??? ****  
Are you with Miller?

 **Raven  
** obvi he’s with miller c’mon clarke

 **Jasper  
** are you two hooking up again??

 **Clarke**  
OMG SPOTTED MONTY I SEE YOU   
WHAT ARE YOU DOING  
What is happening oh my God

 **Raven  
** DETAILS

 **Clarke  
** Do you really not feel your phone buzzing in your pocket??!

 **Raven  
** D E T A I L S

 **Clarke  
** THEY’RE MACKIN

 **Jasper  
** ooh la laa!!!

 **Monty  
** omfg chill Out

 **Jasper  
** HE LIVES

 **Monty  
** i’m drunk go aawy

 **Clarke  
** Are you going home with him?

 **Monty  
** fukc i have to order a lift

 **Clarke  
** Monty…

 **Monty  
** it’s fine! we’re all fine clam down

 **Jasper  
** clam sequence initiated

“Hey,” Clarke says, and Monty looks up from his phone to find that his friend has arrived in person and is no longer going to berate him over the phone. She looks a little worried. Monty isn’t sure where Bellamy is. “You good?”

“Yeah, Clarke.”

“ _Monty_ ,” she says softly, sharply, and he frowns. “You’re sure about this?” He doesn’t know what to tell her. Of course he’s sure about this. He wants Nate, and Nate wants him, and what’s wrong with any of that? “You’ve got so much going on. I don’t want you getting hurt,” she says.

“It’s not like that,” Monty tells her. His stuff? Uninvolved. Not part of this.

“Then what’s it like?”

Monty frowns at her. “Don’t you have a date to worry about?” he snaps. “Stay out of it, Clarke.”

Her face flashes with hurt. “I get that your parents divorce is fucking you up,” she says, “but you don’t get to be a dick to me for caring.”

She marches away from him before he can argue with her, and fuck it, maybe that’s for the best. What did she mean, that the divorce was fucking him up? It sucks, generally, but it’s not like--it’s not like that’s really affecting him at all other than being sad or angry in regards to his parents. And who isn't expected to be sad or angry during something like this?

As he goes to reach into his pocket for his phone to text Clarke, Nate appears again with both of their jackets. Monty shuffles into his and Nate reaches for his hand, squeezing his fingertips. “You okay?” Nate asks.

Monty shakes his head. “Yeah. Clarke.” Nate glances over his shoulder to look for her but Monty tugs him. “She’s fine, don’t worry about it.”

With a smile Nate leans in again, kissing Monty gently. “You sure?”

“Mm.” Nate reaches up with his free hand, framing Monty’s face, and keeps him close. “I’ve got to order the Lyft,” Monty murmurs against Nate’s mouth.

Nate laughs. “Distracted, much?” Monty nips at him. Nate's laughter is so hot. All of these smiles? It's unreal and overwhelming and Monty is melting in it. “You had one job.”

“Shh.”

Nate drags Monty from the building and neither of them spot Bellamy or Clarke on their way out. Outside, the world feels five times too big. He sways a bit and Nate stops him from falling over. Instead, Monty hops up on a nearby ledge to sit, and Nate stands between his legs for easy access while they wait for their ride.

This is so _nice_. Monty doesn’t know why Clarke has to make such a big deal about everything. Why does this, this kissing Nate, his fingertips gently brushing over Monty’s skin, the soft smile on his lips, have to be complicated? Why can’t it just be kissing? They’ve hooked up before, that’s it. There don't need to be feelings here, other than physical.

“Nate,” Monty murmurs.

“Hm?” Nate pulls back, pressing his forehead to Monty’s. He holds Monty’s gaze for a moment, his eyes warm but concerned. He almost pulls back completely but Monty tugs on the lapels of his jacket to keep him close. “This is too much,” Nate says, realizing that might be where Monty's train of thought was.

“No,” Monty says. “It’s not.” He tips his chin up and manages another kiss.

“Monty, I don’t…” Nate trails off, but there’s something other than warmth in Nate’s eyes. They’re a bit hazy, too. "Do you want this?" he asks. With no hesitation Monty leans in again and Nate meets him halfway, no more protests or concerns between them.

Nate kisses him urgently then, like the two of them making out is somehow the only thing that matters. There’s a layer of gentleness to it that makes Monty’s heart drop into his stomach, or--wait. Maybe that’s the alcohol.

When the Lyfit finally arrives Monty stumbles a bit, but Nate keeps him steady.

“You okay?” Nate asks.

“Mm-hm. Sorry,” Monty laughs.

They climb into the car and, despite the small responsible voice in Monty’s head that tells him he should buckle up, he finds kissing Nate to be more important. After confirming that they’re in the right car Monty practically climbs on top of him, the two of them laughing into one another’s mouth. This is so much different from last time and Monty isn’t sure why. It feels better, somehow.

Monty isn’t sure if he prefers Nate sucking on his neck or feeling Nate’s tongue in his mouth or just regular kissing, but he knows he can’t wait to peel Nate’s shirt from his body and kiss his way down Nate’s chest and listen as Nate moans Monty’s name and--

“Fuck,” Nate mutters, pulling away. “Hold on.”

Monty leans back in his seat and closes his eyes for a moment, trying not to feel too dizzy. The alcohol is really getting to him now, and the world seems to be spinning a bit. Nate pulls his phone out of his pocket and swipes a few times before a frown takes his face. That must be what Monty felt buzzing earlier. He glances in Monty’s direction then back at the phone before typing out a response. Something inside of him tenses up, his eyebrows furrowing.

“Everything okay?” Monty asks, leaning in a bit. He catches a text thread with a  _Bel_ who must be  _Bellamy_ before Nate shifts the phone away.

Nate nods, not looking at him. “Yeah.” Monty closes his eyes another time, trying to settle his stomach. “Are you drunk?” Nate asks.

“Sooo drunk,” Monty answers with a laugh, opening his eyes again. “This car is-- _spinning_ , Nate. Feel like I’m on Rainbow Road.”

“Like--how drunk? How much did you have?” he asks. "More than last time?"

"Way more." Monty’s eyebrows furrow as he thinks about this. “At least a few shots,” he answers. “Maybe more? Definitely more. Clarke and I pregamed too because we were nervous about going to a Google party.” Monty looks toward the driver who must be trying very hard to ignore them as they’re being way inappropriate in the back seat. Hopefully Monty doesn’t get a negative review and mess up his Lyft rating. “Can you believe we were at a Google party?” he asks.

The driver laughs, a good sign, but Nate doesn’t. “How many before?”

“Two--no,” Monty remembers. “Three before.”

“Three shots?”

“Yeah.” He turns to Nate. If he focuses on Nate, maybe the outside won’t seem so fast. “Then all of us did the tequila.”

“We had two,” Nate reminds him.

“Oh yeah. But then Bellamy got me another while we talked about Clarke,” he says. His brain feels heavy but he’s trying his hardest to remember. “I think I had some champagne too. Maybe a couple flutes? I’m fine.”

“That’s a fuck ton of alcohol, Monty.”

“I’m _fine_!” he announces again. “I had water in there too, and some snacks.”  _Enthusiastic consent_ , he thinks. "Nate, I want this."

Before anyone can say anything else the car pulls to a stop. Nate thanks the driver for getting them there safe before climbing out of the car, helping Monty toward the building. The world still is spinning a bit but he feels better now that he’s not in a car. Once they get inside, into the elevator, Monty turns back to Nate with a smile.

The smile is not reciprocated. “What’s wrong?” he asks.

“Today was long,” Nate tells him. His smile appears then, soft and familiar. He reaches up, cupping Monty’s cheek gently while Monty leans into it. “I’m tired is all.”

“You mad at me?” Monty asks.

Nate’s thumb sweeps across Monty’s jawline. “Never.” They get inside and Nate heads straight for the kitchen, Monty following after him a bit confused. “Let’s get some more water in you, yeah?”

“God, yeah, probably should.”

They drink their glasses of water in silence, but all Monty really wants to do is go back to the making out. He likes the making out. He likes Nate, a lot more than he should seeing as they’re just friends. Are they just friends? This is confusing. He's confused. But now is not the time to announce this, he thinks. Not with Nate looking like he just swallowed a large stone. Not with his brain all kinds of fuzzy.

Instead, Monty finishes his water and strides across the room to him. He grabs Nate’s shirt and for a moment, Nate smiles again. “Let’s get you to bed,” he says.

Monty blanches. “What?”

“C’mon. You seem sleepy.”

Drunk and confused, Monty lets Nate lead him to Nate’s room. Weren’t they just kissing? “I’m okay,” Monty insists, but maybe Nate’s right. His eyes do feel a little heavy, and the world might stop feeling so big if he closes his eyes a bit. “C’mere.” Nate lets Monty tug him toward him, but once he’s close enough Nate begins unbuttoning Monty’s dress shirt. There’s no urgency to it though, not like before, and Nate’s looking at him all soft again. “You sure you’re not mad at me?” Monty asks, and he knows that his voice sounds small.

Nate leans in then, pressing a warm kiss to Monty’s forehead that fights off all the fears inside of him.

“I’m not mad at you,” he promises. “Kick off your pants and climb in, okay?” Monty nods and struggles with the buttons of his slacks before they fall down. In just his boxers and his undershirt, he climbs into Nate’s bed. Nate lingers back. “I’m going to get you some more water,” Nate says. “Then I’ll post up on the couch.”

Monty nods, still confused, but feeling more sleepy than anything else. “Okay.”

Moments after his head hits the pillow, he falls asleep.

* * *

In the morning, Monty’s alone. The curtains are cracked so there’s a little bit of light, but he’s incredibly disoriented. His stomach rolls before he’s even got his eyes all the way open and he jumps out of bed, darting for the bathroom, and makes it to the toilet just in time to puke. He sits there for a few minutes until the nausea subsides before standing, forcing himself into the shower.

When he no longer feels like a slab of meat without a purpose, he drags himself out of the shower and grabs a towel from the closet. When he stumbles out of Nate’s bathroom he finds a clean outfit folded on the edge of the bed that he knows is for him. Nate’s clothes are a bit big for him but Monty tugs them on anyway, tightening the sweatpants as much as he can and pulling on the sweatshirt.

Exiting Nate’s room, Monty smells coffee.

Nate’s at the stove cooking bacon and pancakes and Monty lingers in the doorway. “Hey,” he greets.

Nate glances over at him with a familiar smile. “Hey. Coffee?”

“You’re unreal,” Monty says. Nate laughs while Monty settles down at the table, lowering his head into his hands. “Advil too?”

“Already ahead of you.” Nate crosses the room and sets two pills by Monty, as well as a glass of water and a mug of coffee. “Feeling okay? You had a lot to drink.”

“Yeah, sorry about that. Clarke and I had a lot beforehand and I should've stopped myself earlier.”

“No, it’s fine,” Nate says, returning to the stove. Monty knocks back the medicine and takes a big long drink of water. “You had fun though?”

Monty nods, but he can’t remember all of it. He knows there was kissing, and a ride in a car, but it’s all scrambled and messy, even more so once they made it back to Nate’s. “Did we…” he trails off, unsure what to ask. He knows they kissed, but what else?

“We made out,” Nate says, his eyes trained on the stove where he's cooking. “We were drunk, it didn’t mean anything.”

“Nate,” Monty tries, but he shakes his head, and gives Monty a little smile. It's in that smile that Monty knows things are really okay, even though he must've made a fool of himself. “Sorry,” he says. “I’m a mess.”

“You’re affectionate when you drink,” Nate tells him, and Monty knows this is true. “Really. Don’t worry about it, I’m glad you had fun.”

"Google parties are once in a lifetime," he says. There's a beat of silence while Nate pushes around the bacon in the pan. “Did you sleep on the couch?” Monty asks.

Nate glances at him over his shoulder briefly. “Yeah. It’s actually pretty comfortable. I didn’t mind.”

Monty’s stomach rolls, but not from nausea. “Should we talk about this?” he asks. He knows that his voice sounds urgent, because Nate turns to look at him without any hesitation. His lips part just a bit and his eyes look almost sad and Monty feels like this moment is important. “I mean this and the--the _lake_ , and…” Nate turns away from the stove so he can face Monty, but he doesn’t speak. “Are we okay?”

“We’re fine,” Nate answers. “Unless you feel differently?”

“No,” Monty says, shaking his head. “No. I’m okay.”

“Okay.” Before Monty can apologize, for real, sincerely, Nate turns back to the stove and asks, “One or two pancakes?”

The night goes unmentioned for the rest of the day.

* * *

Monty doesn’t linger. There’s some tension between him and Nate, whether or not they’re going to talk about it, and he doesn’t like how it makes him feel. It’s before noon when he says goodbye, promising to text Nate once he’s home. Monty orders a Lyft so he doesn’t have to deal with weekend transit and he nearly falls asleep on the long ride across the bridge.

When he makes it home, Clarke’s waiting for him in the living room.

Monty leans back against the door with a sigh. Clarke sets her book down. “Where’re they?” Monty asks, knowing that Raven and Jasper can’t be here. It’s too quiet, and they’d definitely want to be involved in the drama.

“They thought a surprise visit to Wells might be a good one,” Clarke returns.

“And Bellamy?”

“Me and Miller coordinated.” She holds up her phone to demonstrate this. “He left here when you left there.” Monty doesn’t move. She and Nate were texting? What did they talk about? “I shouldn’t have said what I said last night,” Clarke says. Monty blinks. “About your parents,” she elaborates, and Monty finally pushes himself away from the door so he can walk toward her. “I was thinking about it all night. It wasn’t my place and I shouldn’t be--freaking, psycho-analyzing you.”

Monty shakes his head, not understand. “What’d you say?”

“Jesus, Monty, how drunk were you?”

He shrugs a little, but it feels like a cop-out of an answer. “I don’t remember making it back to Nate’s,” he admits, taking the open seat beside her on the couch. “It’s all--it’s like, everything’s blurring together.” Clarke worries her bottom lip and Monty can’t look at her. “I know we fought.”

“I mean, I was mean and marched away from you,” Clarke says. “If you count that as fighting.”

“Was I mean?” Monty asks.

“A little.”

“So then it’s fine,” Monty says. “I probably deserved it.” Clarke doesn’t look like she agrees with this. “What’d you say?” he asks again. “About my parents?”

Clarke doesn’t fidget when she gets nervous, like most people. Instead she has a full body stillness to her. Like she’s thinking very hard.

“I was going to check on you,” she says. “Because you and Miller were hooking up. And you snapped at me, so I snapped back.” Monty waits for the elaboration. “I said that your parents divorce was fucking you up,” she says. “And I’m sorry.”

Monty shakes his head. “I mean--no, it’s okay. I just don’t…?”

He doesn’t understand how his parents divorce fits into any of this.

Clarke worries her bottom lip. “This isn’t my place, Monty.”

“I’m just confused.”

“Well it’s clear that you and Miller have… stuff going on.” Monty, again, waits for an elaboration. “Your mom had an affair,” she says.

“Wait you think--” he stops himself. “How does her affair relate back to Nate?” he asks.

“This isn’t my place,” Clarke says again.

“I’m not asking you as my therapist,” he mutters, “I’m asking you as my friend.” Clarke looks at him for a long time, sadness in her eyes. “Just lay it on me, Clarke! What are you thinking?”

She heaves a sigh. “Miller’s great to you, has treated you _way_ better than half of the guys you’ve been with, and you two aren’t even dating. You’re always together and always talking and I see how you look at him and you’re not--you say you’re not ready but that’s never been an excuse before. You know?” But Monty still isn’t sure what she means. “You like him, but you won’t be with him.”

Monty’s quiet for a long time, thinking about this. “That’s not true.”

“Okay,” Clarke says.

“I don’t _like_ him,” he says.

“Okay,” Clarke repeats, but it feels like she’s just saying this to appease him. Like she needs to respond to his own mental gymnastics.

“And…” Monty tips his head to the side. “What if,” he says, “I’m just trying to wait until I commit to anyone until I’m sure I want to stay.”

“What, when our lease is up?” she asks. They haven’t talked about it as a house yet. There’s still time. “You don’t know if you want to renew?”

“I’ve never settled down in a place before, Clarke, I don’t know.”

“Okay, well, what if,” Clarke tries, “you saw your parents who you thought loved each other, fall apart? And so where you used to not care about the risk of being with someone…” she trails off, letting Monty come to his own conclusion.

He huffs. “That’s bullshit!”

Clarke collapses backwards onto the couch, but--no! That’s actually bullshit. Monty hasn’t been thinking about his parents at all when he’s thinking about Nate. Right? They’re two seperate things, unrelated at all. He doesn’t even really talk about it with Nate. Other than keeping his roommates in the loop, he doesn’t really talk about the affair at all.

“Hey,” she says, “I’m just telling you what I see.”

Monty knows that his parents are upset and the whole thing is a bit of a mess, and that alone is upsetting, but there was no way he could’ve let those mistakes bleed into himself, right?

...

God, what an idiot.

He’s such a fucking idiot.

No fucking shit he’s afraid to be with someone now. He's afraid of even downloading dating apps, because that means going on a fucking date.

“Maybe that’s for the best,” Monty says slowly, like he’s trying to process these words himself. Clarke’s eyebrows furrow. “Maybe… maybe that’s for the best. Not being with someone.” Monty shakes his head. Even as he says it, it sounds fake. “Besides,” Monty argues. “I--don’t feel that way about Nate anyway.”

Instead of her earlier _okay_ , Clarke scoffs.

“I don’t!” Monty insists. “It’s not like that.”

“I don’t believe you,” Clarke counters.

“You don’t believe me? Since when have I ever lied about feelings to you before?” he pushes back, causing her to frown. “Fine, I’ll give your theory some merit. Maybe… maybe I hadn’t anticipated how my parents divorce would affect me. And maybe it… has me hesitant. But it’s more than that. Me and Nate, that’s complicated. And it’s not like that.”

Clarke sinks down onto the couch with a frown. “Does he know that?”

“We’ve talked.”

“You’ve talked?” she pushes.

Monty wants to groan. Instead, he changes the subject. “We’ve talked,” he repeats. “Like you and Bellamy, I’m sure, but with a different outcome. Are you two dating yet?”

Clarke’s eyes narrow and Monty knows she sees the subject change, but she allows it. “Yes,” she answers. “We are. No thanks to you.”

“No thanks to me? It’s entirely thanks to me! The only reason you _know_ Bellamy is because of me!”

“And because you slept with Miller, which--did you two sleep together again last night?”

“God, Clarke, you’re not in charge of me!”

“I just care about you!”

They’re both quiet for a moment, and Monty knows this conversation is never going to end. She doesn’t believe him. She’s never going to believe that this particular instance, this particular man, is different. Their whole situation is layered in so many things, of course Clarke doesn’t believe it can be as simple as not having feelings for him like that.

All platonic, no feelings here.

“We didn’t sleep together,” Monty says. “He even slept on the couch. Okay? We’re just friends, Clarke.”

She looks down at her hands. “I think you’d be great together,” she says quietly. “I just--I want you to be happy, Monty, and I know that Miller makes you happy.”

“He does,” Monty agrees. “Because he’s my friend. And all of my friends make me happy.”

She lets out a long breath. “Okay.”

“Okay?” he challenges.

“If you say that this is how you feel, of course I believe you. Of course I do.”

“Thank you,” Monty says with a nod. She’s clearly not happy about it, hence her furrowed eyebrows and puckered lips, but Monty thinks that this will be okay. “Can we go back to you and Bellamy now?” he asks.

Clarke exhales a laugh, lightening the mood, and they move on like nothing’s even happened.

* * *

Jasper and Raven spend the day with Wells, and Clarke and Monty crowd together on the couch to watch Jessica Jones. He thinks about texting Nate but… maybe some space is good.

When Jasper and Raven return, neither of them say anything about the night.

At first.

Clarke disappears to tell Raven all about what’s going on with her and Bellamy and then it’s just Jasper and Monty.

“Still hungover?” Jasper asks, and Monty shrugs. “Dang. That sucks.”

“Mm.”

Maybe Monty should download Bumble. Raven could walk him through it. She could empower him. Downloading it is the first step, it's not like he'd need to actually chat with anyone.

“So,” Jasper says after a long stretch of silence. “You and Miller hooked up again?”

Monty’s mouth quirks to the side, his eyebrows furrowing. He knew that Jasper would say something, he just wasn’t sure when. He didn’t think it’d be this soon. “We just made out,” he says. “Nothing else.”

“Huh.”

Monty narrows his eyes more in Jasper’s direction. “Huh?” he echoes.

“Just huh,” he says. Monty’s still frowning at him. “Do you want to like, be with him? Or?”

Monty shakes his head. “No, Jasper. We were just drunk.” Jasper purses his lips but then goes back to his phone, and that doesn’t sit well with Monty. “Jasp,” he says, and Jasper hums. Clarke doesn’t believe him either, and now Jasper? “Nate and I are just friends.”

“All I’m saying is there’s a pattern now,” Jasper tells him. “You’re clearly attracted to each other.”

“We’re just friends,” Monty says again. “We had an unconventional start to friendship but that doesn’t mean we can’t be _just friends_.”

“Yeah, well you don’t see me and Raven making out every time we get drunk,” he points out.

“It was just one time!” Monty says. “We were at a party, I was feeling good, Nate was there. That’s it! It’s not some scheme.”

“Does he feel the same?” Jasper asks.

Monty wants to huff. Since when is Jasper into emotional intelligence? This is ridiculous. “Of course he feels the same,” Monty says. “Nate doesn’t want to be with me.”

“He doesn’t?”

“No!” Monty bursts, but--wait. Wait a second. Hold on. His conversation with Clarke had been very Monty-based. Not Nate based. They didn’t really talk about Nate’s feelings in all of this. Monty has to sort through some thoughts, so he says, “We were just drunk.”

“You keep saying that like it’s an excuse.”

“An--!” Monty does huff this time. “What the heck is going on, Jasper?”

After a long pause, Jasper tosses his phone to Monty. It takes Monty to realize it’s a text thread that he’s not part of.

 **Clarke  
** Am I just supposed to let him go with Miller?

 **Jasper  
** i mean they’re adults, yeah?

 **Raven  
** it’s not like they haven’t hooked up before

 **Clarke**  
Yeah but Bellamy’s actually worried  
Miller won’t say anything but he’s pretty sure Miller’s really into him   
Like actually, not just for a hookup

 **Jasper  
** errrr

 **Clarke**  
I like Miller!  
And Bellamy and Harper and Octavia and all of our new friends

 **Raven  
** Miller and Monty making out isn’t going to mean we can’t be friends with them

 **Clarke  
** I don’t know. I feel weird about it when feelings get involved.

 **Jasper  
** but we’re not sure feelings are actually involved right?

 **Clarke**  
I guess  
Has Monty said anything to any of you? About Miller?

 **Raven  
** nope

 **Jasper  
** nuh-uh

 **Clarke  
** Okay. Maybe I’m overreacting.

 **Raven  
** maybe. also go make out with Bellamy now.

 **Clarke  
** Ugh!

 **Jasper  
** hahahaha yessss

Monty looks up from the phone and across the room at Jasper, whose eyes are on the ceiling. “There aren’t any feelings involved,” Monty says pointedly before tossing the phone back. “And Clarke and I already talked, so it’s fine. Don’t make group texts without me.”

“I didn’t! It was Clarke!”

“I…” Monty starts, but stops, shaking his head. “I’m not ready to be with anyone,” Monty says. “We still only just got here.”

“It’s been months,” Jasper shoots back.

“And even if I was,” Monty carries on, ignoring Jasper’s point, “I don’t feel that way about Nate. Okay?” When Jasper doesn’t respond right away, Monty’s voice gets a bit sharper. “ _Okay?”_

“Okay! Okay. Gosh.” The silence between them is awkward for a moment. “And you’re sure Miller knows that? And feels the same?”

“Yes,” Monty says, but that isn’t the truth.

Jasper nods. “Okay then. Nothing to worry about.” He gives Monty a smile that calms him immediately. “I just wanted to check in with you, man. You’re my best friend.”

“I know,” Monty says. “You too.” They’re both quiet for a long time, but there’s a nagging voice in Monty’s head that’s telling him to tell the truth. Nate _might_ feel a certain way. At the lake he said he liked being friends with Monty. That he was good. So they’re good. Right? But the making out, it makes it more confusing. God, what the fuck is going on? “It’s easier,” Monty finally says, looking at the ground.

“What is?”

“Not being with anyone.”

Jasper shifts his entire body so he’s faced in Monty’s direction, but Monty’s still looking at the ground.

“Does he like you?” Jasper asks. “Miller.”

“I don’t think so,” Monty whispers. “I mean--maybe. But not--” Jasper lets out a long breath and finally Monty looks up. “I told him not to wait around for me,” Monty says.

“Wait--hold on you’ve talked about it?”

“That first day,” Monty says, lifting his hand to drag it through his hair. “After we hooked up. He said that he liked me. And then--it was about settling down. It was how I wasn’t ready but now…”

It’s more complicated now. It’s all gotten more complicated.

“Do _you_ like _him_?” Jasper pushes. “Be honest.”

“Of course I like him,” Monty says. “He’s a great guy, he--”

“You know that’s not what I meant, Monty!”

“I don’t know!” _Ugh_. “I don’t know,” he says again. No, he does know. The feeling swells up inside of him, loud and insistent, and he knows that he can’t do this. “No. No, we’re just friends.”  

Monty likes being friends with Nate. It’s easy. It’s so much easier than the complications of a relationship. It’s so much easier than being with someone only to have them change their mind. Not committing--that’s fine. Monty doesn’t need to commit. Commitment leads to breakups or affairs and those are both awful and Monty wants nothing to do with any of that. So friends. Friends is good, and feelings are fake.

“Maybe you should talk to him,” Jasper says slowly. “Clear things up.”

“Things are clear,” Monty said. “I told him maybe one day. And I told him not to wait around for me. And to do what he needed to do. And that’s it. He understands that.”

“Okay.”

“Okay,” Monty repeats.

The conversation ends there.

* * *

Monty sticks his head into Raven’s room before he heads to bed. “Nate and I are just friends,” he says, “and I don’t have feelings for him.”

Raven looks up from her laptop. “Okay?”

“I just figured it was your turn for the conversation,” Monty mutters, “since everyone else feels entitled to have an opinion on it.”

Raven laughs, patting her bed, and Monty shuts the door behind him so they can be alone. “The only opinion I have on all of this,” Raven says as Monty lays beside her, “is that as long as you’re happy, I’m good.”

Monty lets out a long breath. “Are you happy?”

She smiles. “Yeah. Are you?”

Monty hesitates. He isn’t sure, but he thinks so. So he says, “Yes.”

“Okay then. Conversation over. Good work team, we did it.”

“Yeah,” Monty agrees softly, but his heart isn't in it. “We did it.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> true story i had a friend who went to a google party and interviewed him so i could get some of this right lmao. also i live in a house with six other people and i have the same conversation with all of them, in different formats, in different rooms of the house. 
> 
> monty: i don't like nate  
> everyone including himself: sure, jan


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> me, shouting: i love pain

**Cousin Archie  
** Hey Monty- how ya doing? Haven’t talked in a while

 **Monty  
** hey!!! sorry, life has been kind of crazy lately.

 **Cousin Archie  
** Haha no I get it. Things are okay? I’ve been meaning to check in what with everything happening.

 **Monty  
** as okay as they can be i guess.

 **Cousin Archie  
** Yeah. Well I’m here if you need to talk, you know.

 **Monty  
** thanks arch, means a lot

 **Cousin Archie**  
Always.   
Hey, so, have you heard from your dad lately?

 **Monty  
** we talked a couple of days ago. why?

 **Cousin Archie  
** He had plans with my mom this morning but never showed up. I was just wondering if maybe you knew something I didn’t.

 **Monty  
** wait what?

* * *

By the time Monty finally gets ahold of his father, he’s never been more anxious in his entire life. He doesn’t dare call his mom, doesn’t let Hannah control the narrative of whatever it is that’s happening, but it turns out that Monty’s not the only one to use alcohol to avoid his problems.

After a long night, his father never set an alarm, and overslept. That’s it. He’s fine. He’s okay. But still, still, still.

“I need to get out of my house,” Monty says into the phone.

“Yeah?” Nate asks. Of course he called Nate. Nate's voice is the only one that's able to calm Monty down. It's instantly settling to hear him on the other end. “Where do you wanna go?”

“Fucking--anywhere, Nate. I just need to get out of here.”

“Uh…” he trails off, and Monty can tell that he’s thinking. Monty just paces. He has too much excess nerves. This is too much. He’s too far away from home. It would be better if he was _home_. “Let’s go to Lands End,” he says. “You haven’t been yet, right?”

“I don’t want to ruin your special place with Bryan,” Monty mutters.

“Whoa, there,” Nate says with a little laugh. “It’s not my special place with Bryan. I’m not letting him ruin Lands End for me. It’s fucking beautiful. Wear your hiking shoes?”

“Yeah, okay. Okay.”

Not even an hour later, Monty watches Nate get off the bus by Lands End. He smiles at Monty when he spots him but there’s concern in his eyes, clear as day. He readjusts his backpack and starts for Monty, his arms open, and Monty doesn’t hesitates to meet him halfway.

“Let’s walk,” Nate murmurs, slowly rubbing Monty’s back, and finally Monty nods.

Lands End, like most places is in the bay, is freaking beautiful. It’s so freaking beautiful. They spend a little bit of time by the sutro baths before they head for the trails. When they find a space to sit, facing the ocean and the Golden Gate all at once, Monty doesn’t feel brave _or_ unstoppable. He just feels sad.

“I think I need to go home,” Monty says. He tries to regulate his breathing with the waves as they crash against the shore. “For a week, or something.”

Nate nods. “That’d be nice.”

“It’s going to suck,” Monty counters.

Nate smiles a little. “Yeah, but it can be nice too.”

Monty didn’t go home for Thanksgiving or Christmas or any of the big holidays, so it’s not like he’s taken a lot of time off of work. If he takes a week here, in the middle of April, it will probably be okay.

“I knew my mom’s affair sucked,” Monty says, feeling his eyes water, “but I didn’t know it was this _bad_.” Nate reaches out to grab his hand and Monty lets him hold it. “My dad doesn’t drink, Nate,” he rasps. “He doesn’t. And he just… he was so out of it that he slept through his alarms. That he missed meeting with my aunt. And I’m so worried about him. I feel so far away.”

“Maybe you two could start like, weekly check ins, or something,” Nate offers. They’re both quiet, and Nate’s still holding his hand. “When my mom died,” Nate says, “which isn’t really the same, but--when she died, my dad kind of fell apart a bit too. I was only in middle school and I knew--I mean, I knew that she was gone. That it was just us. And we had to adjust, and it was really fucking hard to do.”

“So we just need to adjust,” Monty says.

“Life’s all about adapting,” Nate tells him.

“I just don’t _understand_ ,” Monty rasps. He turns, lowering his forehead to Nate’s shoulder, and Nate gently brushes his thumb over Monty’s. “How could she do this to us?”

“I don’t know,” Nate murmurs. “I don’t know how anyone could do that to anyone.”

Monty sniffles hard. Maybe his mom wasn’t getting what she needed out of her relationship, but didn’t she even try? She could’ve said something, they could’ve tried counseling, _anything_ other than this. Doesn’t she know how much pain she’s caused?

“I’m sorry that it hurts so much,” Nate whispers, and Monty’s eyes spring with tears again. “I’m so sorry. God, I wish I could say something better than that.”

“This,” Monty croaks. “This is enough. This is more than enough.”

Nate readjusts how he’s sitting so he can be closer to Monty, and they stay like that for a long time.

Thankfully Nate’s brought some snacks, so after a while, when they get back to hiking, he pulls out some things that they can share. When Monty changes the subject, Nate rolls with it in earnest, and Monty is so fucking grateful for him.

As it was already the afternoon when they made it to Lands End, it’s getting closer to sunset when they finish the trail. Nate suggests they had to Baker Beach, which is nearby, and together they plot the course.

“I’ve been here for nearly a year,” Monty says, “and I still haven’t watched the sunset on the beach.”

“Then you haven’t lived,” Nate tells him.

They find a place that isn’t absurdly windy and settle in together to watch it, side by side. There’s nothing better than the sound of the waves on the shore, than the sky shifting from blue to orange. Monty lets out a soft breath.

“I have too many problems,” Monty says.

Nate frowns. “No you don’t.”

“I do. It’s one after the other. It never ends.”

“You’re fine, Monty,” Nate insists, and he sounds angry about it. “You worry about your family. That’s okay. I just--” he huffs. “I wish you would let us carry some of it for you.”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean--” he sighs again. “It’s one thing to keep all of us in the loop about what’s going on,” Nate says. “It’s another to _talk_ about it. You know? You just bottle all of it up. And you don’t have to do that for us.” His voice drops as he adds, “You don’t have to do that for _me_.”

Monty wants to cry again. He feels like he’s been on the verge of tears all day long.

“I’m just so fucking sad, Nate,” he rasps. “It feels like it’s fucking--swallowing me whole.”

Nate turns then and tugs Monty toward him without hesitation. Monty buries his face by the neck of Nate’s shirt and breathes, breathes, letting Nate wrap his arms around him again. Even if Monty did have feelings for Nate (which he _doesn’t_ )--he wouldn’t deserve him. Nate’s too good for him. He’s way too fucking good for him.

That night, they go back to Nate’s because it’s closest. Together they crowd Nate’s laptop and order Monty’s flight home before turning on Brooklyn-99 and sinking down into the couch side by side, their fingers laced.

* * *

Monty’s week home was just as awful as he expected it to be.

His childhood home, which he grew up in, was in shambles upon arrival. There were dirty dishes everywhere, shadows on walls where pictures used to hang. He did all of the laundry for his father before cleaning up the kitchen too, and it still didn’t feel better by the end.

He saw his mother once. Just once. For coffee.

“It’s still so hard for me to look at you,” Monty told her, and Hannah cried between her pleas for forgiveness.

He spent time with his cousins. He spent time with his father. He slept in his childhood bed with the blankets pulled over him so he could pretend like he was somewhere else.

He’s home now, back in Oakland, and he feels better about his father home on the east coast. That _is_ home, after all, and they have a big family that is already actively supporting him. Everyone’s over to welcome him back, Jasper has his favorite meal on the stove, and Nate’s sitting beside him on the couch.

“You tired?” Nate asks.

“Flying takes a lot out of me,” Monty murmurs.

“You’re allowed to be tired,” Nate says, and Monty nods. The jetlag has him feeling sleepy earlier and no one minds when he excuses himself to bed before everyone’s left.

Monty waits, listening to the doors open and shut as people leave.

Before he dozes off there’s a soft knock on his door. Jasper pokes his head in, and Monty scoots over in bed, and the two of them lay side by side without words.

For a moment, Monty thinks everything is going to be okay.

* * *

It’s not a feeling that lasts.

Things seem to go back to normal for the most part. Bellamy’s over more often because of Clarke, and he brings along Nate because they’re roommates and apparently Nate doesn’t like to be alone. Raven goes on a few Bumble dates that might lead to prospective partners. Even Jasper talks about a girl who works at a local coffee shop who remembers his order every time he goes in.

Monty thinks about Nate.

He feels so out of his element when he thinks about Nate. He doesn’t know why this particular person and this particular situation is so complicated. It’s never been like this before. He’s not an idiot. He knows there must be some truth to Clarke’s theory regarding his parents affair. And he knows, in his heart, that once he’s sure he’s staying out here maybe something will change.

But for now, for so many reasons, it doesn’t feel right.

Nate still doesn’t push, and when he starts regularly mentioning his new co-worker Eric, Monty doesn’t pry. Maybe Nate’s moving on, and maybe that’s for the best.

It’s barely even May when his mom calls him to break the news.

Once the divorce goes through, she’s getting married.

“Oh, you’ve got to be fucking kidding me.”

“ _Monty_ ,” Hannah says, and it takes every ounce of self control Monty has to not hang up on her. “I know that you’re upset, but--”

“You’re fucking marrying him? You’re joking. This is a joke.”

Hannah sighs on the other end. Of course this is happening. Of course. His mother had an affair, and his parents are getting divorced, and she’s already getting married to the man that had a part in this.

“I love him,” she says, “and I know that you will--”

Fuck it. He hangs up anyway. Monty grips his phone so tightly he’s worried he’s going to break it, and when it starts buzzing because his mother is calling him back, he nearly chucks it across the room. He feels twitchy. Why didn’t his mom tell him this when he was _there_? No wonder his dad was falling apart, he had every reason to!

Monty’s practically boiling with anger and he needs to get out of his house. For a moment he considers grabbing all of his roommates but--he just got back. He just got back and they deserve some time without him being a fucking mess, they deserve a roommate that doesn’t always shove problems onto them. Maybe, more importantly, Monty doesn’t want the pity party from them. He can see it in their eyes whenever they talk.

He wants to talk to Nate.

 **Monty  
** hey what’re you doing?

 **Nate**  
I’m in San Diego remember?  
Left last night.

 **Monty**  
oh fuck  
yeah  
forgot

 **Nate**  
Visiting my dad. Everything okay?   
I can give you the code to my place if you need to get out of yours. Bellamy’s out of town too.   
You could watch HBO.

 **Monty**  
so tempting  
i’m fine just needed to do something

 **Nate  
** We can text?

 **Monty  
** no shut up go be with your dad

 **Nate**  
Okay if you’re sure.   
Let me know if you need me.

With Bellamy also out of town, and friends that don’t live in his house, Monty’s kind of running out of options. He and Harper are pretty decent friends though, and it’s been a while since they’ve hung out just the two of them, so he texts her next. Besides, she’s not super involved in his whole family issues, so she probably won’t push.

 **Monty  
** you around?

 **Harper  
** Hey! Yes actually! I’m trying to get someone to go to this new brewery with me. What’re you up to?

 **Monty  
** need to not be with my roommates but also not in my house

 **Harper  
** Yessss this means I found someone to go to the brewery with me! I’ll buy drinks, don’t worry about it.

 **Monty  
** address?

* * *

Monty likes Harper.

They rarely hang out just the two of them, but that’s okay. They’re still pretty decent friends. They text sometimes and Snapchat more, but there’s never been like--a push to hang out. So, drinks are nice. This is good.

She keeps her word and buys the drinks. The brewery is cute and not too far from either of their homes--seeing as Harper lives in Oakland too. Monty really likes Oakland. Everything in SF feels more fast paced and go-go-go but Oakland is calmer. Cozier.

“So which roommate pissed you off?” Harper finally asks once they’re on their second beer.

Monty snorts. “None of them. But I put too much of my shit on them so I wanted to leave them out of it for once.”

“More family stuff?” she guesses, and Monty nods. “Want to talk? Or just drink.”

“Just drink,” Monty confirms, so they drink.

Monty finds out that Harper’s parents are still together, and that she’s got two older siblings that always make her feel stupid and inferior despite the fact that she’s maybe the most successful of the three of them. He learns that she’s been taking self defense classes, that she’s got a crush on one of the female instructors.

Briefly, she asks about Nate.

“What’s going on with you two?” she wonders, finishing off her beer. They’re on their fourth now, and Monty didn’t eat dinner so he’s definitely drunk. “Sometimes I think there’s something there, but I don’t know. Miller doesn’t tell me shit.”

“We’re just friends,” Monty tells her.

Her voice is dripping with sarcasm. “Okay.”

“Really,” Monty says. “I’m serious, Harper. Why is everyone so fucking persistent that this isn’t true?”

“Okay,” she says again, but it sounds more like she believes him. “If that’s what you say.”

“It is.” Monty knocks back the rest of his drink. “How long have you known him?”

“I’ve lived here my whole life,” she tells Monty, “and I met Miller through--” she pauses to laugh. “Sorry. I met him at a slam poetry night. I always forget about this.”

Monty can’t help his smile. “No you didn’t.”

“For real,” Harper says. “I shared a piece and he came up after and told me he really liked it. Of course it was the poetry that got him though, he’s such a fucking nerd. We got to talking--he’d just moved to the area and was trying to make friends. He didn’t _say_ that, but that’s what he was doing. Exchanged numbers, yadda yadda. That was… five years ago?”

“Damn.”

“He and Bellamy are kind of a package deal, so that’s how I met him, and then Octavia and I are pretty close, but yeah.”

“Yeah,” Monty agrees.

The subject shifts again, and Harper gets them another drink, and before Monty knows it they’re out on the small and mostly-empty dance floor together.

It’s fun to lose himself like this. In the alcohol. In the dancing. In the friendship.

Everyone else, they always want to _talk_ about things. How he’s _feeling_. What he’s _thinking_. But none of that is the distraction that he needs. Monty’s needed this. Alcohol and dancing.

And, later, when the two of them are laughing at a couple in the corner, the flash of loneliness that finds Monty is startling. He wants to go back to before, the laughter, the freedom.

“Harper,” he says, not thinking. “Let’s go back to your place.”

Her smile slips a bit and she arches an eyebrow. “Yeah?”

Monty nods, turning to her. “What else are we doing?” he asks. Her eyes narrow a bit and he can see it, the question she wants to ask. She wants to know if there’s more to this. “Just for fun,” Monty says.

Harper leans in then, pressing a quick kiss to his lips. It doesn’t make his chest roll with thunder like some other kisses have, but it’s nice. When she pulls back, that question is still on her face.

“You’re sure you want to do this?” Harper asks.

Monty licks his lips, nodding. “Yeah.”

“You’re sure.”

“Yes,” Monty says again. “Are you?”

She laughs and leans toward him and then, just like that, they’re really kissing. And it’s nice. It’s nice to not have to think about it. It’s nice that it doesn’t mean anything. It’s nice to have this distraction from everything that’s clouding his mind.

It isn’t until after, lying in Harper’s bed, listening to her breathing as she sleeps beside him, his buzz gone, does he realize what he’s done.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> me, crying: why do i always do this to them 
> 
> feelings are HARD y'all don't @ me


	6. Chapter 6

On Saturday, Monty wakes up to a phone call.

“Hello?”

“Should we talk about Thursday night?” Half-asleep, Monty hadn’t thought to check the name of whoever was calling him. He’s a bit surprised to hear Harper’s voice on the other end. “I know we kind of talked, but it feels unfinished.”

Monty rubs his eyes to wake himself up. “Ugh. I’m asleep. Hold on.”

“It was weird,” she says. “Right?”

“It was weird,” Monty agrees. “We don’t--I mean. I thought it was just--we were drunk. And we both had stuff going on, and, yeah.”

“Okay. Okay good. Okay.” She lets out a long breath. “I just--I like you Monty, I think you’re great, but I don’t want to like, make this a thing?”

“No, me neither,” he agrees. “We were drunk and lonely and that was--” he manages a laugh, though it feels kind of empty. “It was fun, Harper, but I think we’re on the same page.”

She laughs too. “Okay cool.”

They decide that they should lean into the awkward and instead of letting it affect their friendship, because apparently Monty just sleeps with his friends now, and they make plans to meet up in the city. Monty rouses Jasper too and somehow, before noon, they make it to the Painted Ladies.

“Huh,” Jasper says, assessing them. “Just like I expected. A row of houses.”

“They’re historic!” Monty bursts.

“It’s a row of houses,” Jasper repeats.

 **Nate  
** Glad you finally made it - send pics!

 **Monty**  
let me guess  
the painted ladies are also one of your favorite things in the city

 **Nate**  
What?   
No.   
They’re just houses.

 **Monty  
** that’s what jasper said!

 **Nate**  
I knew we got along for a reason.   
But they’re still worth seeing, I’m glad you got around to it.   
Are you with Harper?

 **Monty  
** yeah

 **Nate  
** Tell her she still owes me for coffee from the other week.

 **Monty  
** will do!

While Jasper walks down the road to take some pictures, Monty lingers back to catch Harper. “Did you tell Nate?” he asks. “About… us.”

“Not yet,” Harper answers.

Monty pauses. “What do you mean not yet?”

Harper looks to him, an eyebrow arched. “I figured we’d talk about it next week when we see each other, but I’m definitely going to tell him.” She levels him with a pointed stare. “Do you not want me to? I thought you said nothing was going on with you two.”

“Nothing is,” Monty insists, but it feels like a lie. God, it feels worse than a lie. “I just--give me a heads up?”

Harper stops walking completely. “Are you two--”

“Nothing’s going on with us,” Monty says again. They’re just friends. They’ve established that they’re just friends. Monty told Nate not to wait for him and Nate confirmed that they are just friends. “I just would like some heads up when you talk to him.”

“Would you rather do it yourself?”

“No, it’s okay.”

“You can,” Harper insists. “If you want. If you think that's better.”

“No, no,” Monty presses on. That conversation would be awkward. And more importantly, Monty’s terrified of it. He doesn’t know why he’s so afraid to have that talk. “I don’t know why it needs to be said at all, honestly.”

“Uh, feels relevant,” Harper counters. Monty can’t argue with that. Because it does.

He doesn’t know why he’s so stressed about this. It’s not a big deal, him and Harper. It didn’t mean anything, they’ve both confirmed that. It was one drunken night, no feelings involved. And even if it was different--Monty told Nate not to wait for him. Monty told Nate that he wasn’t ready for anything. And Nate said he understood. It all lines up.

It’ll be fine.

* * *

The first time Monty sees Nate upon his return from San Diego, Monty’s entire chest flares up. It isn’t until he catches that familiar smile on his face does Monty realize how much he’s just _missed_ him. And he wasn’t even gone that long.

But with Monty and his trip home so close to Nate’s trip home, it’s like they haven’t seen each other in forever. Monty rushes forward for a hug and this, too, is familiar. He fits into Nate easily and sighs at the feeling of both of his arms wrapped around him.

“Missed you,” Monty murmurs, putting as much emotion into those two words as he can.

Nate pulls back, far enough that they can look into one another’s eyes but close enough that they’re still embracing. “Missed you more,” Nate murmurs with a smile. Monty’s eyes linger on his mouth and Nate grins before pulling away completely.

He goes around to greet everyone else and then they all settle in for an easy, rainy evening. They’re at his and Bellamy’s and they’ve picked a movie to stream and Monty thinks that he could do this. He looks across the room to Bellamy and Clarke, his fingers tangled in her hair. And he looks toward Jasper who’s watching the movie, but also texting that girl on his phone. And he looks back to Nate, and he really, truly thinks he could do this.

They’re all a little high and all a little cozy and when Nate catches him looking, he smirks.

“I was only gone for a week,” Nate murmurs.

“A week and a half,” Monty corrects.

“It’s not like you’ve forgotten what I look like,” Nate finishes his original statement, shaking his head with a smile. “Stop staring at me.”

“I can’t,” Monty answers.

Nate huffs, or scoffs, or laughs, something uffy, before tugging Monty toward him. Monty leans against his side, Nate’s arm around his shoulder, and this is nice. Somehow, Nate smells like home, and Monty never wants to leave.

Maybe he can do this.

* * *

 **Nate  
** What are you doing tonight?

 **Monty**  
well hello to you too  
what an abrasive way to start the morning!   
it’s barely 9am and you’re coming in here with your demands

 **Nate  
** Are you free?

 **Monty**  
gosh  
jeez  
yes i am free what’s up

 **Nate  
** We should meet up.

 **Monty**  
oh yeah that’d be fun!   
where are you thinking?

 **Nate  
** That bar on 10th. So we can sit.

 **Monty**  
oh sure yeah  
works for me!

* * *

If Nate wants to sit, that means Nate probably wants to talk. Which could be good. Might be great. Monty has some things he’d like to say, but he knows he’ll never be able to push them into that first step.

He’s been doing a lot of thinking.

Last night, he climbed into Jasper’s bed, and said, “I like Nate.”

Jasper laughed and said, “No shit.”

It’s annoying that something so small, like a trip home for barely more than a week, would push Monty finally into that place of acceptance. (Maybe the guilt of something with Harper nudged him along, too.) He likes Nathan Miller. So much. But just because he’s come to terms with that doesn’t mean he can push that into something else. Because, as he’s also trying to come to terms with, he’s now totally and completely afraid.

So if Nate starts, maybe Monty can finish.

The day drags. Monty sends some Snapchats to Nate but he opens them and doesn’t respond. Which is interesting. Monty’s a big fan of the mid-day Bellamy snap that he typically gets, or the view out of the giant window toward the eatery they go to every now and then. Monty crosses his own office to Raven’s desk to pester her, and she finally gives in and lets herself be bothered.

“What’s up with you?” she asks.

“I’m counting hours, Raven.” He drops into a nearby open seat. “Nate and I are getting drinks tonight.”

“Are you inviting me or are you telling me so I know not to join?”

“I think I’m going to tell him,” Monty says. Raven spins in her chair to look at him. “Nate. That I like him.”

“Oh, you like him now?” Monty rolls his eyes but feels his face warm. “Hey, I just go with whatever it is you last told me. The last thing you told me was that you didn’t like him.”

“I’m sure you’ve had your own opinions.”

“I have,” Raven agrees. But she grins. “That’s great, Monty.” Her smile doesn’t last long though, and she tilts her head a touch. “You’re sure about it, this time?”

His own smile slips away. “I’ve been a bit of a mess,” he says softly. “I know.”

“I just know Clarke would be mad if I didn’t ask,” Raven says. Monty’s mouth quirks to the side. He should be more honest with Clarke. “Miller really cares about you, Monty,” she says. “Whether he’s been explicit about it or not, he definitely has feelings for you.”

Monty’s whole body tingles at the thought of that. “He’s too good for me,” Monty says. “He treats me too well. I’ve been…” he sighs. “He just, I don’t know. It’s all really complicated.”

“I know,” Raven says. “You’ve got stuff going on. He knows that. I just want you to be sure. Because if you’re not, it’s gonna cause everyone a lot of pain.”

Monty nods. “I’m sure.”

They don’t talk about Nate anymore, but she lets him see what she’s working on to pass the time. When her desk mate Roan returns from wherever it was he was lurking, Monty heads back to his side of the office to the news of a glitch in their database.

Checking the time, he thinks he’ll be okay, but the data eats away at him and Monty’s running late to the bar. Finally, when it’s all said and done, he darts from the office without much of a goodbye. The bar isn’t too far from work, somewhere in between his office and Nate’s, and Nate’s waiting for him when he gets there.

“Hey,” Monty calls out in greeting, a little breathless as he enters, and Nate turns to confirm that it’s him. His face is all kinds of dark and tense and Monty feels his pace slow down a bit. “Sorry I’m late. Last minute malware thing at the office.”

“It’s okay,” Nate says.

“How was your day?” Monty asks, climbing into the seat beside him.

“It was fine,” Nate tells him.

“Just fine? You want anything?” Monty asks. He scans the list of beers tacked up on menu and looks for something he likes. “I’ll buy.”

“No, I’m not staying.”

Monty turns to look at him, but Nate is looking forward. “What do you mean you’re not staying? You invited me to drinks.”

“No, I said we should meet.”

“At a bar. That implies drinks.”

“Well apparently implications don’t mean a lot with you,” he tosses back. Monty sits up a little straighter. When their eyes finally meet, Monty’s entire stomach clenches. “You weren’t even going to tell me, were you?” Monty opens his mouth to say something but Nate shakes his head and--oh God. “You said you didn’t want to be in a relationship and that--I mean,” Nate’s words are frantic. Now that he’s talking it’s like he can’t stop. “I mean--I got it. I get it. It’s--fine. But you also said hook-ups weren’t your thing. And I just thought...” he trails off. “I thought that meant something with _us_.”

He knows about Harper. She didn’t warn him.

“It just happened,” Monty says.

Nate barks out a laugh. “It just _happened_ , he says,” Nate murmurs, mostly to himself, and Monty feels his arms go slack by his sides. “I just, I thought--you said you weren't ready and…” he trails off again, shaking his head. “Never mind.”

“Nate,” Monty tries.

“Don’t,” he says. “It’s fine. I get it.”

“No you don’t,” Monty pushes. “What happened with Harper, it’s complicated, it’s--”

“Can’t be that complicated,” Nate mutters.

“Will you let me talk?” Monty nearly bursts. Nate falls quiet, but his eyes are wide. “I had some stuff going on with my parents again,” Monty says. “I even--I texted you! But you’d gone out of town and I was upset and I just needed--”

“Someone to fuck?” Nate asks. “That’s supposed to make me feel better?”

“Nate, _no_ ,” Monty tries again. “I needed a friend who was uninvolved. All of my roommates, Clarke and Raven and Jasper, I didn’t need the pity party. I always go to them with my bullshit.”

“I gave you room to talk if you needed it,” Nate says.

“I didn’t need that, I needed--”

“Someone to fuck,” Nate says again. He laughs another time, but it’s empty, and Monty isn’t even sure how to respond. “Great. Thanks for clearing that up.” Monty opens his mouth to speak again but Nate stops him. “No, really,” he says sharply. “I get it. You don’t want me. You’ve never wanted me. If anything, you wanted a fuck buddy. All the intimacy but none of the commitment.”

“That’s not true!”

“No, it is,” he says, and he sounds angrier now. “All of this has been bullshit. You could’ve told me no but you didn’t. Again and again. I understand perfectly.” He shakes his head. Monty feels his eyes welling up with tears. Nate’s voice is empty when he says, “You led me on.”

“No,” Monty rasps.

“I’m done with this.”

He turns then and slides off of his stool, marching away before Monty can even realize what’s happening. “I didn’t mean--Nate,” he tries again, but Nate’s already gone, and Monty feels it in his lungs.

He sits in the bar for a long time before moving.

* * *

The commute home is long and lonely. He opens his text thread with Nate more than once, drafts a message at least twice, but always ends up closing out without saying anything. Instead, he texts his friends.

 **Monty  
** can we stay in and be together tonight

 **Clarke  
** Of course. What’s wrong?

 **Raven  
** you ok?

 **Monty  
** fight with nate. i’ll tell you all about it when i’m home

 **Jasper  
** we can order pizza???

 **Monty  
** sounds great

Pizza’s waiting for him by the time he finally makes it back to their place, and Monty smiles gratefully at his friends as they act like nothing’s wrong. Raven gives him a look, knowing what he’d been intending for his night, but focuses her energy throwing napkins at Clarke, and Jasper fusses over the dishes, and it’s nice. For a bit.

But when Monty’s full, Jasper pulls out his pen, and after smoking for a bit he’s ready to talk.

“I hooked up with Harper.”

His friends all shift, clearly surprised, and Monty tells them what happened. He talks about the phone call with his mother, he talks about his frustration with everyone’s persistence at his feelings for Nate, he talks about his regret and confusion.

He’s as honest as he can be, which is hard.

Monty tells them about all of the quiet moments with Nate. The holding hands, the walks around the lake. He tells them of their conversation about _not yet_ and  _not never_. Last he tells them of tonight, of his acceptance of his feelings no matter how nervous it makes him, and the complete and utter turn around. He ends with the finality of Nate’s words, the broken look on his face as he left the bar.

They listen without interrupting. Which is a feat in itself, really. And then the air is smoky, but quiet.

“I don’t know what to do,” Monty says quietly.

He can’t imagine being here in this city without Nate in his life. Maybe they weren’t where either of them wanted relationships wise, but Nate’s been vital to his experience here. To the joy and the adventure and the friendship. Monty really felt like he was planting roots.

“Does Miller know how you feel?” Clarke asks. “Like, really, really feel?”

“I couldn’t tell him,” Monty says. “He was so upset, Clarke. He barely let me get a word in.”

“He doesn’t have any right to be upset like that,” Raven shoots back, sounding a little angry. “It’s not like you were together. It’s not like anyone signed a contract.”

“It’s so complicated,” Monty tells them. “Maybe I hadn’t--fucking, _signed_ anything, but I’d hinted.” _Implications don’t mean a lot with you._ “And we’d…”

They hadn’t slept together since that first night, but it was in all of the little moments. The stolen glances, the late night texts, the hand-holding. Monty had even said it all that time ago. _Maybe one day. When I’m more settled_. It was there in the lunch dates and in the shared smiles. In the laughter. _Not never._

“You’ve gotta tell him,” Jasper says. “Really, Monty. You’ll regret it if you don’t.”

Monty nods, but his eyes are burning. “What if it doesn’t make it right?”

“Then you’ve done everything you can,” Clarke tells him.

He has to say it. He has to voice this fear that they’ve all known has been here for so long.

“What if I’m not meant to be with anyone ever?” he asks, and watches as confusion fills the face of all of his friends. “My--my parents,” Monty manages.

“So it’s _not_ just about settling into a place,” Raven says, realizing.

He can’t look at them as he says this. “They were in love. Really, _really_ in love. And it wasn’t just an act, I know it. I could see it in everything. And my mom _still_ \--my dad’s so _fucked_ because of what she did to him.”

“Being with someone is always a risk,” Clarke says. “That’s what makes it so worth it.”

Monty knows that to be true. But if his parents who loved each other so much could self destruct, what makes him any different? Or things with Nate? Maybe he’s just not allowed to have this. Maybe he was never even allowed to want it.

“You can’t let your parents mistakes dictate your life,” Raven says. “Mine were fuckups, Monty. They hated each other and they hated me and I’m still the best person you’ve ever met.”

Somehow, Monty laughs. “You really are,” he agrees tearily.

“And mine are still together,” Jasper says, “but I suck at all relationships. Okay? Like--they exist, and we can learn from them but exist separately from that.”

“That’s really good Jasper,” Clarke says.

“I’ve been reading a lot of self-help books,” he says brightly.

Monty laughs again, loosening some of the ache inside of him. But it’s not enough, because that last, final fear finally unearths itself. “What if I don’t deserve it?” he whispers. “Because of what I’ve done.”

“Everyone deserves a second chance,” Jasper tells him.

 _Nate believes in second chances_ , Monty thinks.

It doesn’t hurt to try.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> anyone else catch that gadge reference hahaha staying true to my #roots


	7. Chapter 7

**Monty  
** soooo i thought you were going to tell me when you told nate?

 **Harper  
** I didn’t tell him…

 **Monty  
** ummmmmmm then how’s he know

 **Harper**  
Shit. I should call him.  
Octavia probably told Bellamy.  
Is he okay?

 **Monty  
** ummmm he’s a bit upset.

 **Harper**  
I’ll call him.   
Sorry Monty.

 **Monty**  
no this is my fault  
i told you things weren’t happening but they kind of were  
idk i’m a bit of a mess  
but it’s not your fault, really

 **Harper**  
Yikes  
Shit  
Crap  
Ugh  
I knew something was happening but you said it wasn’t so I just  
Dammit  
Sorry Monty

 **Monty**  
don’t be  
really that’s on me   
let me know after you talk to him though because i’m gonna try again

 **Harper  
** Will do.

Monty paces for an hour before he gets the text that he can go ahead.

* * *

When Nate doesn’t pick up the phone on the first call, Monty waits a few minutes and tries again. He’s surprised when his phone starts ringing and he sees Bellamy’s name on the screen.

“Hello?” Monty answers.

Bellamy sighs. “Monty. Just give him some time, okay?”

“No, I know, I know,” he rushes. “And I know you must be--” his eyes start to burn. “God, Bellamy, you must be so fucking mad at me, and--”

“Monty,” he cuts him off.

“I made a mistake,” he croaks. “I need to explain. Please.” Bellamy sighs again, but Monty pushes on with the message he wants to give. “Just pass it along,” Monty says. “If he doesn’t want to come, that’s--I get it. But let him make that choice?”

Bellamy huffs. “Okay. Fine, I’ll pass it along.”

“And Bellamy?” Monty stops him. “I’m so sorry.”

Monty doesn’t know how Bellamy feels about his apology, because Bellamy doesn’t respond. Instead the call ends and Monty’s left figuring out how to say what it is he has to say.

* * *

The next day, he’s at the Presidio waiting for Nate to arrive. Monty’s sent him a pin of his location so he can find him along the trail. He wanted to give Nate the whole day to decide what he wanted to do, so it’s early evening now. The sun will be setting soon. Monty thinks sometimes it’s easier to talk when it’s not so bright out.

He gets there early. Part of him is expecting that Nate isn’t going to show up. So, when Monty feels a soft touch on his shoulder, he startles at the sight of Nate.

“Hey,” Nate greets.

“Hi. You came.”

His eyebrows furrow together. “Of course I came,” Nate murmurs. He casts a glance outward as he settles down beside him. “Not sure why you chose _here_ ,” he says. “But of course I came.”

“The ocean makes me feel braver,” Monty responds. Nate doesn’t ask for an elaboration. But this was the first moment he felt brave after he met Nate, in particular, that makes this spot the one he chose. “You were pretty angry when you left,” Monty says after a bit. “That’s why I wasn’t sure if you were coming.”

Nate lets out a long breath. “Yeah,” he says. “I, uh. I got home and realized I could’ve handled all of that better. So I wanted--it was nice you reached out. I wanted to apologize.”

Monty startles a second time. “You?”

“You didn’t lead me on,” Nate tells him, looking out across the ocean. Monty wonders if the ocean makes Nate feel brave, too. “I shouldn’t have said that. I shouldn’t have said any of that--or been so--” he laughs, but it’s empty. “So fucking rude,” he finishes. “I was just upset.”

“Nate--” Monty starts, and Nate actually falls silent. He’s waiting for his turn. “No, you go.”

Nate takes a deep breath, shaking his head just a little bit. “When you told me that you weren’t looking for anything _yet_ I put too much stock in those wordd. _Not never_. I’d just gotten out of something--you know.”

“With Bryan,” Monty remembers.

“And then you were there and you were everything that I’d been looking for. You were fun and you were smart and you made me smile and feel like I mattered and then you…” he manages a laugh, but it’s weak. “And then you said you didn’t want anything _yet_. And we said friends, and that was great, God, Monty. I’m so fucking happy that we’re friends. But it got confusing at times and it was like--” he manages a laugh, “it’s like we were talking in code about it. So part of me had always been hoping. And that wasn’t your fault.” He shakes his head. “Being friends should’ve been enough, and I’m sorry.”

Monty feels like he’s going to cry. “No, I’m sorry,” he says.

“Don’t be,” Nate pushes.

“No, I am,” Monty says, and--fuck, his eyes are wet. “You were right. I wanted…” he needs to remember how Nate said it. “I wanted all the intimacy without the commitment and that wasn’t fair to you.” Monty takes a deep breath. “You made your intentions clear. And I just--I led you on.”

Of course there were friendships that were deep, but it was different with the two of them. It always had been, right from the start

“You didn’t,” Nate insists. “Really. You told me in the beginning what this was and I let my hope for something more turn into--God. Fuck, I’m so sorry I shouted at you.”

“No, no,” Monty presses back. “You were upset and you had every right to be.”

“I’m really sorry,” Nate says again. “If you…” he trails off, looking up toward the sky and--is Nate crying, too? “If you still want to be friends I’d--I’d like that. But if not I understand.”

“What?”

Nate won’t look at him. “I get it,” he says, “if you want me out of your life. I mean, it won’t--we can all still hang out. The group, and everything. I wouldn’t want to ruin that. Especially with Bellamy and Clarke, But--”

“Wait, wait, wait, full stop,” Monty says, and Nate lets out a long breath. Monty reaches over to grab his hands. “That’s not why I called you here, Nate.” His eyes are still wet when he looks to Monty. “I want to be with you,” he says. “Really. Really really. All in.”

Nate’s lips part and for a moment he looks hopeful, but he shutters himself immediately. “You don’t have to--Monty,” he exhales, pulling his hands back. “Jesus--now I’ve fucking guilted you into--”

“ _Stop it_ ,” Monty says sternly. “You haven’t guilted me into anything. I’ve felt this way for a while, Nate, I’ve just.” Monty stops, taking a breath. “I’ve been afraid,” he says. “Being new to this place--meeting you that first weekend--it doesn’t feel like I deserve any of this. It feels too good.” Monty gestures to the ocean. “It feels _impossible_. To be in this beautiful place and to be with _you_ it’s like it’s all a dream.” Nate’s still shuttered, his eyes dark, but he’s listening. “I never got to _go_ anywhere,” Monty tells him. “I never got to be _anyone_. And then I grew up and I went to college far from home, and now I’m here, and I’m worried that none of it’s real.”

“Monty--”

“But then I started--I mean, I know who I am. I was figuring it out. Finding myself all over this city and then my parents changed the whole fucking game. And I’ve been so worried--I’ve been so worried that if I make this real, with _you_ , then it’s all going to fall apart.”

“No,” Nate whispers, reaching out again. “No, no, no, hey.” Monty blinks hard to stop himself from crying. “You did it,” Nate tells him, and Monty redirects his gaze to the ocean. “You came out here and you carved a place for yourself in this city.” Monty sniffs, still trying to stop his tears. “You’ve walked the Golden Gate and gone to the Grand Lake Theater and climbed Twin Peaks and--” Nate exhales, but it’s warm. “You found this place that you love, Monty. You made it your own. You did it.”

“Then why am I so fucking afraid?” he croaks.

Nate pulls Monty’s hands up and kisses his knuckles. “I don’t know,” he whispers. “Because being an adult is terrifying? Because you’re worried this place doesn’t love you back? Because parents fuck us up in ways we’ll never fully understand? Whatever it is,” he edges closer. “Whatever it is,” he starts again, “you’ve got me. You’ve always got me.”

“Yeah?”

“ _Yes_.”

Monty leans in then and Nate pulls him closer, reaching up with one hand to frame Monty’s face while the other holds tightly to his hand. When they kiss, meeting in the middle, it’s so hard for Monty not to burst into tears in relief. It’s just a quick kiss and Nate pulls back after a beat, resting his forehead against Monty’s. When Monty reaches up to cup Nate’s cheek too, Nate’s smile blooms.

Monty smiles, too.

* * *

No matter how badly Monty wants this to be easy, to wrap up nice and neat, he knows it can’t be. There’s a lot of talking that has to happen, a lot of explanation on Monty’s part. The two of them stay on the trail for a long time after that kiss while Monty gives Nate the speech he’s been working on, hitting all of the mental bullets he’d listed for himself earlier.

He apologizes again and again. He fights tears while he tries to reason with himself. He admits his faults until Nate makes him stop.

“People make mistakes,” Nate whispers. “Jesus, Monty, you’ve been going through so much.”

“It’s not an excuse,” Monty croaks.

He tells Nate about his mom’s fiance, about the battle that’s been tugging inside of him, about the fear of _being_ with someone in the face of everything that’s happened. Nate just listens. He lets Monty give his piece and he listens, nodding along, commenting when he must.

“I’ve said it before,” Monty says toward the end. The sun is beneath the horizon now and it’s starting to get cold. “I don’t deserve you, Nate.”

“Don’t you think that’s for me to decide?”

Monty clings to the feeling that the ocean gives him. “I’m so sorry,” he whispers. “I’m so fucking sorry.”

“Hey,” Nate cups his cheek, tugging Monty to look at him. “ _I know_. Okay? I know you are.”

Sooner or later, Monty’s stomach grumbles, and Nate suggests that they get dinner. From then there are less apologies, less tears, and instead more smiles shared between the two of them. They go to a Mexican place in the mission that Nate’s been wanting to try for some time now and they sit across from one another and Monty feels settled, now more than ever.

“So,” Nate says after their orders are taken. “I’m going to call this a date. Yeah?”

Monty flushes. “Really?”

Nate nudges his foot under the table. “Either this is our first date or the Google gala. Your pick.”

“Ugh,” Monty groans. “Not the Google party.”

WIth a grin Nate says, “It could’ve been a date.”

“I know, I know.”

“Would’ve been nicer than this,” he says, gesturing. Monty catches his hand from across the table and Nate turns until their fingers are laced together. “You said you weren’t ready,” Nate tells him, “so I never wanted to push you. I feel like maybe if I had…” he trails off. “If I had been more clear about how I felt, about what I was thinking--”

“God, but that means, like--talking about feelings? That sounds awful," Monty jokes.

Nate laughs. “Yeah. It’s bullshit, I know. Communication.” His voice is full of sarcasm and Monty can’t help but smile. “Fuck that. But also--”

“Yeah, never again am I going to let myself spiral like this,” Monty tells him. “It’s just,” Monty says, “this was a lot.”

Nate nods, his smile smaller but still there. “Yeah.”

“I didn’t know what I expected out of this year,” Monty tells him. “But it certainly wasn’t you.” Nate squeezes his hand. “I wouldn’t love this place like I do without you,” Monty tells him. “Really, Nate.”

“You helped me fall in love with it all over again,” Nate murmurs back.

That alone brings comfort Monty could never explain.

* * *

“I like kissing you when you’re sober.”

Monty snorts and Nate’s smile blossoms against the corner of Monty’s mouth. He reaches up, cupping Monty’s cheek, and pulls back just a touch so they can look at once another.

“Next time I drink,” Monty starts, “or smoke, I’m just not going to kiss you then.”

Nate leans in gently. “Don’t joke.” Monty likes kissing Nate sober, too. Those drunken kisses never compared. They were desperate and sloppy but this? This is how a kiss is supposed to be. “You’re just, so intentional about it.”

“Mmf.” Monty pulls back this time, his eyebrows furrowed. “What’s that mean?”

Nate lifts his hand to smooth the wrinkle between Monty’s eyebrows. “Nothing _bad_.”

“Nate.”

“What!” He chuckles before leaning in again. “I just--can tell that you know you’re kissing me. And you’re into it. And I really like that.”

Monty shoves him a little but Nate settles in to start kissing him again, hopefully this time without any commentary. They’re in Nate’s bed now, and Monty wonders if his roommates would be willing to look into moving into the city. Oakland may be cheaper, but San Francisco’s closer to all of the important things Monty has in his life. Like work. And Nate.

“Is Bellamy going to be mad at me?” Monty asks, pulling away. Nate’s fingers dance over Monty’s cheek, like he doesn’t want Monty to get too far away. Like he’s still afraid that Monty’s going to change his mind about all of this. “I hurt you. He doesn’t like when people hurt you.”

“He’ll be fine,” Nate murmurs. “Don’t worry about him.”

“And you?” Monty asks. Nate sighs, pulling his hand away. “I _hurt_ you,” he says again.

“I’m not pretending that you didn’t,” Nate says back. “But that wasn’t just your fault. It’s been all complicated. And logically--logically I know that hurting me was never your intention. So…” his voice lowers. “I’ll be okay too.”

Monty lets out a long breath, but nods. He’s worried that he’s always going to be apologizing. Monty doesn’t want this, the two of them, to be ruined before they’ve even gotten to see what it’s like.

“I had someone once,” Nate says suddenly, tracing his fingers along Monty’s spine. “He… was a great guy. He made me laugh. He made me feel loved. I thought…” Nate trails off, rolling to look up at the ceiling instead of at Monty. “I thought he was it. You know? I loved him.” He lets out a soft laugh, but Monty knows it’s not a real laugh. “It turned out,” Nate says slowly, “that he was having an affair.”

“Oh, Nate.”

“With me,” Nate says. “I was the other guy.” Monty props himself up so he can look at Nate, inching closer just a bit. “I had no idea,” Nate says. “Not for a while. And when I knew, I ended it. But I… I know what it’s like. I know what being involved in--in cheating and affairs, I know what it can do to someone. I know why you were afraid.”

Monty feels his eyes grow wet. “I’m still afraid,” he admits.

Nate turns to look at him. “I’m never going to do that to you,” he whispers.

“But I feel like I already did that to you,” Monty rasps.

“No. No, hey.” Nate readjusts completely so he can cup Monty’s cheeks. “That’s not true.” He kisses him softly, again and again. “You and I were not together. It was clear that we were not together.” He whispers these words against Monty’s lips, needing him to understand them. “No matter how it made me feel, that’s not what happened. You didn’t do that to me. You wouldn’t do that to me.”

“I wouldn’t,” Monty swears.

Nate leans in. “I can still see it in your eyes,” he whispers. “You’re still so hesitant about this--me. But Monty--none of this--God, none of this has changed how I feel about you. From that first day at the Presidio when you held out your arms in the wind I just…” Nate laughs. “Monty, I’m fucking crazy about you.”

“Yeah?”

“Jesus. _Yes_.” Monty presses forward for another chaste kiss but Nate pulls back. “As long as--” he shakes his head. “I know it’s not going to be easy. Fucking--parents. Fucking everything up. But as long as you’re honest with me moving forward? As long as we can talk about shit? That’s really all I need. Okay?”

“Okay.”

“Can you give me that?”

Monty nods into his next kiss. “Yes,” he breathes between them. “Yes, yes.” He’s not fucking this up again. No way. “Nate, I like you so much.”

Nate exhales a laugh. “I’m never going to get used to hearing that.”

* * *

 **Clarke  
** Well tbh I couldn’t be happier for you

 **Jasper**  
just. harper.??? of all ppl???   
still shook

 **Monty  
** we! were! drunk!

 **Raven  
** still happened dude

 **Monty  
** ugh

 **Clarke**  
Tell Miller hello from us!  
And that I’m very happy for you!

 **Monty**  
nate said “i like to think this was a group effort on all of our parts” and also “thank you”  
guys i think i might be in love with this nerd

 **Raven  
** BUDDY SLOW DOWN

 **Monty**  
I SAID I THINK  
THERE IS STILL SO MUCh TIME TO REACH THAT CONCLUSION

 **Clarke  
** See? You always have so much love to give.

 **Raven  
** like you’re any better at relationships

 **Clarke  
** Bellamy and I are very happy!

 **Jasper  
** yea and it totally wasn’t awkward or a struggle to get there at all huh

 **Monty  
** SEE YOU GUYS LATER BYE

* * *

_(three months later)_

“No, this’ll be good,” Monty says. “Because then we won’t have to talk for long since we have plans.”

“Don’t you want to give your dad more time to like--interrogate me? If need be?”

“God no.” Nate laughs. He settles in on the mattress beside Monty while Monty brings up Skype, casting glances toward his boyfriend while the computer gets ready. “Are you nervous?” he asks.

Nate looks toward him, but for just a moment. “A little.”

Monty laughs. “Really?”

Nate nudges him with his elbow. “I know how important your dad is to you. I just want him to like me.”

Monty reaches out to twine their fingers together. “Hey,” he says. “I love you. That’s all that matters to him. And that you treat me well--which you do. He’ll love you, Nate.”

“I love you,” Nate exhales back, and Monty beams.

It takes a bit to get the screen sorted out, but soon enough Monty’s father appears on the other side. “Hi dad!” Monty greets. His dad has some color back, and he smiles brightly when he sees Monty’s face. It’s been a rough couple of months, but they’re getting there.

“Hold on, hold on, the screens a little pixelated.” He squints, and Monty tries not to laugh. “There you are. And--ah, is this him? The famous Nathan?”

“This is him,” Monty confirms.

“Hi sir,” Nate says. “It’s nice to finally sort-of meet you.”

“Monty talks about you all the time,” his father responds. “I can’t wait until he brings you out here.”

“I’m making him come to That Thing with me,” Monty says, referencing his mother’s upcoming wedding. It isn’t until December, but they already have their plane tickets. “Because if I have to go, he’s going to suffer with me.”

“Ah, That Thing,” his dad agrees. “Yeah, that’s good. You should have someone with you.”

“It’ll be nice to meet you in person,” Nate says.

The three of them talk for almost half an hour, Monty’s dad questioning Nate on this or that, before Monty says that they have to go. They planned it this way, having an escape route from this conversation. They’re headed to the beach to join their friends, to stretch out in the sand and let the hot summer sun tan their skin.

It's not  _really_ a special occasion or anything like that, but Harper's bringing her new girlfriend Zoe around, and Raven invited Wells, so the whole gang is really going to be together. Bellamy and Clarke planned the whole thing together, beaming from ear to ear as they invited the rest of their friends. What once might've been awkward or forced feels like second nature now, and Monty's not complaining. 

They say their goodbyes and Nate exhales loudly, dramatically, like he’s been tense the whole time.

“You think that went okay?” Nate asks, climbing out of Monty’s bed.

“Babe. That was great. Really.”

Nate scrubs his hands over his face. “Parents make me nervous.”

“Babe,” Monty says again, laughing this time. He climbs out of bed and steps toward his boyfriend, wrapping his arms around his waist. “That was great,” Monty repeats, a bit softer. “It’ll be much better when you get to like, physically meet him, but until then I’m happy he knows that you exist.”

That Monty’s found a man that he loves. That Monty’s happy out here. That this past year, no matter how hard it was, has been worth it.

Nate leans in for a kiss. “Okay. Let’s not keep everyone waiting, then.”

Monty loves summer in the bay. He loves leaving his windows open as he tries to catch the breeze. He loves the feel of the Pacific ocean washing over his feet. He loves the laughter of his friends as it carries over the bonfires, the smile on Nate’s face when they make eye contact from across the pit.

How he put up with those humid summers on the east coast for so long remains a mystery to him.

“Ready?” Monty asks, pulling on his shoes. “We’re gonna miss bart if we don’t hurry.”

Nate smiles, almost looking proud, and wow, Monty’s so fucking in love with this man.

“Ready,” Nate answers.

All he knows is that he’s never going back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the bay is magic, y'all. hope you liked it!


End file.
